I used to lie about being raped at 7 years old and slept with my female friends in their late 20s because I wanted to feel like a victim

Sorry if this is a weird time to post, but I’m in therapy and I’m coming to realize that my lying and manipulation was more of a cry for help than anything else. My therapist recommended that I write in a journal or something, but I thought that I would post here and get a better judge of what other people think of this. I feel a bit guilty that people are more concerned with the fact that I “lied about being raped” than talking about the fact that I fake trauma and have sex with people. I mean, I lied and manipulated people to get them to sleep with me and most people are mad about the rape part. My mental health is not the issue. My manipulation and abuse of people is. <br><br>This is going to be pretty long, so bare with me. I used to lie about being raped and molested at 7 and then slept with my friends because I wanted to feel like a victim. I’m 15 now, and I’m in therapy and this was something that I did for most of my childhood and teenage years. Looking back on everything it makes so much more sense and I understand that I have serious mental health issues. I don’t even know what my diagnosis is, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was manipulating people to make myself feel better about myself. I’m so sorry that I stole people’s time and trust like that. I don’t expect forgiveness, because I’m not entitled to that. I just hope that I can raise some awareness and open a conversation about fake trauma and my specific situation. I don’t want anyone else to ever have to go through what I did to myself or to anyone else. <br><br>Some of it was way worse than other parts. The lying about being raped. I said it happened to me at 7, that I was a victim of incest. I said I would never be able to have children and that I was in a wheelchair when I was 6. (I’m still actually in a wheelchair, just for a different reason) After years of this, when I got to high school, I met a woman who was also a victim of rape. She had been assaulted in middle school and was never the same after that. She trusted me, and I used her trust. She would confide in me about how something triggered her, and I would lie, saying that I experienced the same thing. I never cared about her, or what she wanted, I just wanted to be a victim. I wanted to feel like something was wrong with me and have people cater to my needs. I felt like I needed to be catered to. I used this woman constantly. I would lie and tell her that if she wanted me to feel safe, then she needed to sleep next to me, to hold me, to hug me, to let me have sex with her. I was 14, she was 28, and I manipulated her so badly that she started to not want to be alone with men. I manipulated her so badly that she started wondering if she was attracted to women. <br><br>I did all of this for the attention. I wanted to be pitied; I wanted people to see me as a victim. I used the term “trauma dumping” which is supposed to be a safe space for victims to vent about their trauma, and instead I used it to lie to people about my fake trauma. I lied about going to therapy when in reality, I was in DARE to be different, a program for at risk youth to be taught coping skills. We were taught how to be victims, what it meant to be a victim, and how if we played the victim, we could manipulate people into doing things for us. I already knew this, but after that program, it felt like I had been validated. <br><br>I’m back in therapy now and my therapist told me to write a letter to the people who I hurt, but to not send it. I cried when I read the letter back to myself. It made me realize that I’m not a victim, I’m a manipulator. I’m abusive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just know that I need to be held accountable.<br><br>Now, when I look at myself, I feel disgusted. I see someone who lied and manipulated anyone they could to get what they wanted. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to be someone who talks about their manipulations so that they don’t happen again. I’m so sorry to those who I hurt and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Until then, I’ll be here, working on becoming a better person.<br><br>EDIT: I’m blown away by all of the comments and so many people sharing that they are also fake victims of trauma. I’m glad that I’m not alone in this. Thank you all for the support and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your similar experiences.