When I was 13 I raped a 12 year old girl. I’m still a rapist at 41.

I’ve never told a single soul this, not even my wife or my best friend. I’ve never sought any help or counseling. This is the first time I’ve ever put this into words, and it’s tearing me up inside as I write this. I can feel my hands shaking and tears streaming down my face.<br><br>9th grade was my first year of high school, and my first time having a real girlfriend. We had met the last week of 8th grade during lunch, and quickly became ‘dating’. I put that in quotes because at our age and with our lack of experience, we didn’t have a real relationship, but we considered it one. <br><br>We did our first sexual experimentation together, dancing around actual sex because we were scared. We had actually explicitly agreed that we wouldn’t have sex until we were 16. <br><br>After a few months of dating we had our first big fight. She wanted to do something with friends that I didn’t like, and she went anyway. <br><br>I took this as a betrayal and was angry, so I decided to have sex with someone else. I wanted to get back at her for not obeying me, for not listening, for daring to have her own opinion and act against mine. Honestly, I was just trying to hurt her because I thought she’d hurt me. <br><br>I went to my friends house and told him what happened, and he suggested I come clean to her and apologize. I didn’t listen, all I wanted was revenge and I didn’t care how I got it. <br><br>I asked him if he knew anyone I could hook up with, and he told me that our classmate Jessica had a crush on me and would probably be interested. <br><br>I was still in love with my girlfriend, but I decided to use Jessica to hurt her.<br><br>I asked my friend to set it up, and he did. <br><br>The next day I met Jessica at a park after school. She was friendly, and smiling, and was clearly excited. <br><br>I was extremely uncomfortable, and looking back I realize now I should have stopped right there. But I didn’t. <br><br>I sat next to her and tried awkwardly to make conversation. I was a virgin, and I had no idea how to ‘get to the act’ so I just sat there for a while trying to work up the courage to do anything. <br><br>Finally she asked me what we were gonna do, and I got up and told her to follow me. <br><br>There was a small grove of trees in the park, surrounded by dense foliage, and it was already partially hidden by a small hill. I took her there, and told her to sit down. <br><br>I sat down next to her, and kissed her awkwardly. I didn’t know how to kiss, I’d only done it a couple of times, but I knew at least that much. I tried to push her down but she resisted, and said no. <br><br>I let her up and asked why not, and she told me she wasn’t ready. I told her that I was ready, and that we should ‘just do it’. <br><br>She said no again, and started to stand up. I stood up and grabbed her arms, and told her she didn’t have a choice. I kissed her again, and pushed her down into the dirt. <br><br>I crawled on top of her, and I raped her. <br><br>She cried, and tried to push me off of her but I was too big and too strong. <br><br>When I was finished I stood up, and walked away. I left her crying in the dirt. <br><br>I never saw or spoke to her again. <br><br>A week later my girlfriend and I made up, and we dated for another two years. <br><br>After that we parted ways amicably, and are still friendly. In fact she was one of my best friends for years. <br><br>But no one knows what I did. I’ve never told them how I hurt someone else because of them. <br><br>I’ve never seen or spoken to Jessica again, but I can’t forget what I did. I still picture her face, and hear her crying as I write this. <br><br>I’ve been married for almost 20 years now, to the love of my life. She knows that I’m not a good man, but doesn’t know how bad I really am. <br><br>I’ve tried to make up for it my entire life, by being honest, by working hard, and by being a good person. But it will never be enough. <br><br>I’ve thought about turning myself in, many times, but I never have. I’m too afraid of what it would mean for my family, for my wife, for my children, and for my friends. <br><br>I’m on here because I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it right. <br><br>I can only hope that one day I can find a way to make amends.<br><br>Edit: I’m not looking for sympathy, forgiveness, or absolution. What I have done can not, and will never be ‘ok’. There is no ‘making it right’, only doing right going forward and accepting what I have done, and taking responsibility for it. <br><br>And yes, at the time I didn’t know it was rape. I thought she was just scared, and it would be her ‘first time pain’. I was stupid, not innocent. <br><br>And yes, I understand that this is who I am. I always will be a rapist, no matter how long ago it was, or how much I have changed since. <br><br>And yes, I know that I should turn myself in, and I probably will eventually. But I need to take care of a few things first, for the people I love the most, before that.