I don't care how much money I get, I'm never going to be a professional mourner.

*Later that day:* <br><br>Young man, you have a preternatural gift for exhibiting the depths of human sorrow. I have never seen anyone cry so authentically at a strangers funeral. You break the mold of professional mourners everywhere and set a new standard of excellence. I think it would only be apt that we name the position after you.<br><br>*Me:* <br><br>I don't care how much money I get, I'm never going to be an Elissimourner.<br><br>*Old Woman:* <br><br>Too late. We've already printed your business cards. <br><br>*Two weeks and ten funerals later:* <br><br>I don't understand. Who is this woman who died and why does her death effect me so? <br><br>You're an Elissimourner. It's your job to cry at funerals. I didn't know you took this one so seriously. <br><br>I don't even know who she is. Still, I can't help the feeling of loss and sadness that her strange, premature passing has brought upon me. <br><br>We at the Elissimourner's guild couldn't be more pleased. It's clear you are doing your job well. <br><br>I'm going to quit this damn job if I have to go to one more damn funeral. Seriously, I wish people would stop fucking dying.<br><br>*Knock on the door. Later that day.* <br><br>Did you hear? She's dead. <br><br>Who?<br><br>Talking Tammy, of course. One of our most prestigious Elissimourners. Every time she went up to talk at a funeral, you'd swear the deceased was her long lost sister. She had the most soothing voice and her words were always so well articulated. <br><br>I think we should hold the funeral here in the guild hall. Just to honor her memory, you know? <br><br>I don't care where you hold the funeral, I am not going to cry anymore than I have to. <br><br>You're an Elissimourner. It's your job. We're going to give you a few minutes before we put you up on the speakers to do your eulogy. <br><br>I don't know what to say. I didn't know the woman. <br><br>That's what makes you an excellent Elissimourner. Your tears are so authentic. Your words so cutting and poignant. You make everyone feel the weight of loss without ever needing to know the deceased. <br><br>I can barely remember Tammy. I don't even know how she died. <br><br>Are you not distraught? Elissimourner? <br><br>I'm not going to cry about a bitch I didn't know just because she's dead. <br><br>This isn't like you at all. <br><br>I'm not going to get on that stage and talk about how much I miss someone I never met. <br><br>What the hell is wrong with you? All of the other Elissimourners are bawling their eyes out and you don't even seem shaken. <br><br>Tammy's death doesn't effect me. <br><br>Fine. I guess we can just cancel the whole thing. I'm sure all of the other mourners won't be too disappointed at the loss of their Lake-side pavilion funeral. <br><br>I've changed my mind. I'll get up there and talk. I just need to know one thing first: <br><br>*What is an Elissimourner?*<br><br>I'm going to call the chief and have you charged with bodysnatching.