I lied to my ex to cover up an affair

I cheated on my ex of 5 years to get back at him for cheating on me. Now we’re separated and I’m not sure how much longer our marriage will last<br><br>This is extremely hard for me to admit because I’ve always thought people that cheat are disgusting. But I did it anyway. <br><br>My husband (36) and I (28) got married last year, but have been together for 5 years. We met when I was barely 19 and he was in his mid-twenties. Our age difference is never an issue (or wasn’t) and we get along super well. He’s attractive, kind, considerate, supportive, and it takes a lot for him to get angry. <br><br>A little over a year ago, I discovered that he had an ongoing affair with his ex-girlfriend. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I got nauseous and wanted to throw up. I cried and screamed and I’m honestly surprised I didn’t end up in a mental health facility after that.<br><br>After I found out, I told him that I wanted a divorce and that there was no way I’d ever be able to trust him again. But after a few days went by, I decided that I wanted to see if we could salvage the marriage. He was terribly in love with me, I could see it in his eyes. He also said that he hadn’t been with me for 2 months but I can’t verify that. He promised he hadn’t slept with her during the time we were together. I was skeptical, but decided that I wanted to make it work between us.<br><br>We decided to go for marriage counseling. And a few weeks into counseling, we got married. My friends and parents thought it was impulsive, but I was sure that I wanted to be with him. I honestly did.<br><br>A month after getting married, I met a guy at a bar. I had some drinks and we ended up talking. He was in town for work and staying for 3 months. I told him I was married and he didn’t seem to care. I didn’t either, at that moment. I was having fun and I forgot about my husband for a few hours. We exchanged numbers and continued talking. We met up a couple more times, just as friends, until we ended up having sex. That was 3 months ago.<br><br>I love this guy, but I know I’m never going to be with him. I don’t want to break up my marriage, but I also don’t want to leave him. I’ve told him that I’m married and that I can never leave him. He understands. I feel bad because he’s attractive and kind and I wish he could be with someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved. But every time I’m with him, I feel guilty, and I always end up regretting it.<br><br>My husband and I are still married, but I think he knows something is up. I don’t know how much longer this is going to last.