I cheated on my boyfriend and I wanted to get caught

&#x200B;<br><br>I've always been faithful to everyone I've ever been with, and this will be the first time I've ever even considered cheating, let alone actually did.<br><br>The night started with me going out to a bar/club with my girl fiends and we're all drinking and having a great time. One of my friends, let's call her Jen, she wanted to get me out of the house and away from work. She knows I don't like going out to drink but wanted me to get out and have some fun, and she even wanted me to get a little drunk and flirt a little and maybe do some things she wouldn't tell anyone about. The whole cheer each other on and get crazy, you know how it is.<br><br>I've been with my boyfriend for about three years, we live together and have for the last year, we're happy, we're thinking about getting married, maybe kids in a few years. We do have a few issues, specifically around him checking in with me a little too often and making sure I'm where I said I'm going to be. This has been something that's been brought up multiple times and he always says he's going to stop but never does, so I wanted to teach him a lesson.<br><br>I was chatting with this guy at the bar and we were flirting pretty heavily, and we ended up going back to his place. When we were in his car I texted my boyfriend and said I was going home but was going to stop at the store for some snacks. This was around 12:30, and at 1:30 when we were in this guy's bed, his TV turned on and it was the security cameras at my house. My boyfriend had turned them on because he thought I'd be home but it showed his car in the driveway. I was like, oh shit, this isn't my house, so I texted him a thumbs up emoji and left my location in the text. This is something I only do when I want him to see where I am, but we both know what it means.<br><br>The guy looked at my phone and saw the text, the thumbs up, and my location, he looked at me and said "You wanted him to know where you were, right?"<br><br>I nodded. "I wanted him to see my car wasn't there and get worried."<br><br>He looked at me for a second and said, "You don't have an open relationship, do you, because I'm definitely cheating with you if you don't."<br><br>"No, we don't."<br><br>He looked at me for a second and said, "You want to get caught, don't you?"<br><br>I nodded. "I do."<br><br>He asked me why and I told him it's because my boyfriend constantly questions where I am, who I'm with, how long I'm going to be at work, what time I'm going to be home, text me when I'm driving asking when I'm going to get home. I told him I've brought it up a bunch of times but the only thing that happens is he says he's going to be better but never is. So I wanted him to think I was doing something I shouldn't be and wanted to get caught.<br><br>He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him I didn't know, but I just wanted my boyfriend to see that I was doing something I shouldn't be. So he asked if I wanted to send him a Pic, maybe a video even, something that showed we were together. I said that sounded good and he wanted to know what specifically did I want to send. I told him I didn't know, what did he think, and he said maybe a video of us fucking? I said sure, why not.<br><br>So we film a video of us having sex, and I sent it to my boyfriend. I figured he'd call me, cuss me out, whatever, but he didn't. He just read the text, watched the video, and that was it. I texted again and he read it, didn't respond.<br><br>I felt weird, it didn't feel right. I wanted him to call me, yell at me, scream at me even, but nothing. I told the guy in bed with me what was happening and he was surprised. He said he'd expect him to at least call but he didn't. I was like, "Well fuck, now what?"<br><br>He shrugged and said, "Now we make another video," and that's exactly what we did.<br><br>I sent that one to my boyfriend as well and he didn't respond to that one either. We ended up making three videos and sending them to him over the course of about an hour, and he never responded, just read the texts.<br><br>The last text I sent him was around 3 am and I told him I was heading home. He still didn't say anything. When I got home he was awake and sitting on the couch in the living room. He didn't say anything to me. He looked at me but didn't say anything.<br><br>I chewed him out. I asked him why the hell he didn't call me, text me back, something. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. I kept asking him but he didn't say anything. Eventually, I just said, "Fuck it, I'm going to bed," and I went to our room and went to sleep.<br><br>I haven't seen him since, he didn't go to work today and I have no idea where he is. I tried calling him a few times but he didn't answer. He didn't even take his car, he just left and that was it.<br><br>I feel bad, not because I cheated, but because of how bad I feel. This is the first time I've ever felt guilty about anything, and it feels fucking horrible. I almost wish I never did it because of how bad I feel. I hope he comes home, I don't give a shit if he leaves me, I just don't want him to feel this bad.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>Edit - Nobody ever said we were in an open relationship, and I know cheating is fucked up and is an unforgivable thing to do, it was just fuck around and get caught.<br><br>Also, I never said I was going to leave him. I'd rather stay with him than leave, I want him to be happy and wanted to help him see that it was affecting me.<br><br>Edit 2 - Yes, I'm a shitty girlfriend, asshole, and a piece of shit, I understand that, you don't have to tell me.<br><br>Edit 3 - I never said he can't go out with his friends, I don't give a shit if he wants to do that, I just want to be able to go out if I choose to.<br><br>Edit 4 – I get he’s probably suicidal right now, and I feel fucking horrible, which was what I was going for, to make him feel how I feel. I’m not going to go looking for him because he wants to be alone right now, and I get that. If he wants to leave me then he knows where the door is, and I will always love him.