I met my wife in a mall. That's like, when a girl and a guy have sex, but only in their private areas, not out in public.

Her name was Susie. She was a Mall Santa and I had to get my penis waxed before it was too late.<br><br>Before I knew it, it was too late. <br><br>I still have a white mustache and I walked under a rope that said "Employees Only" at the mall. She was standing there, watching me. There was a white powder substance all over her face. She grabbed my hand and asked "Are you here for the after hours Mall Santa party?"<br><br>I told her I was.<br><br>She said "Good, because it's about to start."<br><br>"What's about to start?" I asked.<br><br>"The after hours Mall Santa party," she said, as if I was insane.<br><br>"That's not what I mean."<br><br>"What do you mean?" she asked, looking into my eyes and breathing heavily.<br><br>"I mean what's going to happen at the after hours Mall Santa party?"<br><br>"Oh," she said. "A lot of things."<br><br>"One thing, two things, three things?" I asked.<br><br>"A lot of things," she repeated.<br><br>"Well what do you mean?" I asked. "Two Things? Three things? Five things?"<br><br>"A lot of things," she said, and smiled. I saw something shiny in her mouth.<br><br>"What's that?" I said. She pulled it out and it was a needle.<br><br>"I don't like needles very much," I said.<br><br>"Well, I do," she said.<br><br>And then she jabbed me with it. Everything went black.<br><br>When I woke up, I was in a room filled with Santas. There were hundreds of them, all drinking and laughing. In the center of the room, there was a Christmas Tree.<br><br>"I have to go to the bathroom," I said to one of the Santas.<br><br>"Oh boy, oh boy," the Santa said. "You're gonna need to go to the bathroom."<br><br>"Why?"<br><br>"All of us have to go to the bathroom," the Santa said. "But none of us have any assholes."<br><br>I looked around. It was true. None of the Santas had assholes.<br><br>And then I realized that I didn't have an asshole either. I reached around, and it was gone.<br><br>I asked the Santa, "What do we do?"<br><br>He said "Look."<br><br>I looked up at the Christmas Tree, and it began to shake and tremble violently. And then, it shit. It shit all over the floor, in a giant steaming pile.<br><br>The Santas all rushed over to the pile of shit and hovered their buttocks over it.<br><br>"This is the way it has to be," the Santa said.<br><br>And then I understood. I hovered my buttocks-less ass above the shit, and the shit went up inside me.<br><br>When I came to, I was back at the waxing salon, and it was the next day. I don't have any idea what the "After Hours Mall Santa Party" is like, and I don't want to know.<br><br>But it's too late, because I saw.<br><br>*This may be the last time I post here. The mall guards are coming for me.*