I was born with only one lung and have spent my entire life chronically ill. When I was five my parents hired a sitter and left for the weekend. At 3 am I woke up screaming.

I opened my eyes to see the sitter standing above me and grinning. She reached down and pulled her mask off and I screamed even louder. A woman’s face pulled so tightly across her skull that it was completely white. Her mouth was pulled into a tight grimace. <br><br>She breathed onto my face and I remember thinking it smelled like the morgue. I remember she reached into my mouth and pinched something inside my mouth and I felt a sharp pain. It was like I had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose and her hot breath on the inside of my mouth made me gag. I started to struggle and I saw my mother standing in the doorway. Her eyes were vacant and her stare was cold. It was so cold it was warm. <br><br>The sitter poked the roof of my mouth one last time and I felt something flutter in my head. A pressure that was somewhat painful started to build in my mouth and I struggled and gasped for air. I tried to cry out but I couldn’t. <br><br>Then the sitter disappeared. My mother was still standing in the doorway, a cold stare on her face. The pain in my mouth quickly became more than just pressure and I was wriggling around in agony. The pain slowly subsided and my breathing slowed. <br><br>I laid back in bed and tried to fall back asleep. When I sat back up I had forgotten why I was scared and my mother was gone. <br><br>The next morning my parents weren’t mad that the sitter had left early but they called me a liar for saying the sitter had scared me. They told me I had been bad and had scared the sitter away. <br><br>I never forgot that night and I never forgot the strangers face. She had no eyes and white skin pulled tight against her skull. It was truly terrifying. <br><br>When I was 12 I woke up from a nap to the sound of wheels creaking. My grandpa had died the week before and his body was at the funeral home. They were having a viewing and my mother didn’t want me to go because I was so sick and weak and she worried it would be too much for me. I remember looking out of my window and watching them take my grandpa out of the house in his casket. I turned to go back to sleep and there they were. Lined up against my wall. My mother, the sitter, and my grandpa in his casket. I tried to scream but before I could the sitter breathed into my mouth again and I was out cold. <br><br>I woke up in the hospital a few days later and I was told I had gone to the viewing and fainted from grief. My mother told me there was no sitter and my grandfather had been dead for more than a week. It was all a dream and I was sick and needed to focus on getting better. <br><br>I was told I was delusional and I started to doubt my own sanity. It wasn’t until I went for my first surgery a year later I learned the truth. <br><br>When I was an infant my parents learned I would never have both lungs. They tried to kill me but I didn’t die. The sitter and my mother tried to kill me and I fought. I was going to die so they took me to the hospital and saved me. <br><br>The last punch to the gut came when I saw the CAT scans of my brain. There is a large abnormality in my brain that will affect me for the rest of my life. It’s part of why I’m so sick and why I’ve had so many surgeries. <br><br>I was told the abnormality was most likely caused by a lack of oxygen in my brain at birth. I think my mother smothered me. <br><br>I am now 30 and very ill. I have been told I will die soon and I don’t have much time left. I don’t want to go but I’m tired. So tired.