Why I hate kids

Disclaimer: I don't hate all kids. I hate MY kids.<br><br>I'm a mother of 4. I was not raped. I was not too young to know better. I did not have a failed birth control issue. I failed nobody but myself. I failed myself over and over and over AGAIN.<br><br>I love my children. I want to love my children. I cope by loving my children. But at the end of the day it is a coping mechanism, not an actual feeling. There's no joy, no pride, no satisfaction. No happiness. I want it. I try for it. I pretend I have it. I fake it so well that even my husband thinks I love being a mom. <br><br>I hate my kids and the effect they've had on my life. I was smart, I was driven, I was ambitious. I had big plans, I was going to change the world, I was going to make my mark. I was on the right path, I know I was. I could feel it.<br><br>But I hated contraceptives. I hated the weight gain and the spots and the anxiety. I loved the freedom of not being on birth control, loved how I felt when I wasn't on anything, I loved knowing I was giving my body a break between pills. I LOVED it. I loved it so much that it didn't matter if I got pregnant because I loved the freedom too much to give it up. It did not even cross my mind I would get pregnant. It was a risk I took so willingly. <br><br>I was on birth control for a year, but I only took it twice a week. You guess it. I got pregnant. I was 23. I was working as a trainer at a fast food chain and going to school. I knew I couldn't afford a baby, I knew I couldn't handle the life style of a single mom, but I also knew I couldn't afford an abortion and I didn't want it anyway. I knew I would regret it and I didn't want to live with that. I knew I would regret it more than I would regret having a baby. So I had a baby. I had a beautiful, healthy, easy baby. I had help, I had money. I was alright. I was even happy. I was so, so happy.<br><br>Then I got pregnant again. I was married now, I was 25, I had a good job, I had a child already, it wasn't the end of the world. I was actually excited, excited for a second, excited to have two kids and be done! I had a miscarriage. I was a mess, is the only way I can put it. I want to say I coped well but that would be a lie. I didn't cope. I drank. I blacked out. I screamed. It was bad. It was so bad. I really wanted to die. I really wanted to disappear from the world. I was gone. I was a zombie. I went through the motions but I was not there. I was not present in my own life. <br><br>I got sober at 27, and then I got pregnant again. I was so excited, so thrilled. I was so happy. I had been waiting for this day for the last two years. I loved this child before it was born. I was already buying baby stuff. But it didn't last. It didn't last because I went back to drinking and then everything fell apart. I was a drunk mom of two. I had blacked out at the park while my kids were there. I was a complete and utter mess. I sent my husband a voicemail saying I hated him and our "fucking kids". I was a drunk, screaming, crying, angry, resentful MESS. I didn't love my children. I didn't even like them. I tolerated them and I resented them. I was so, so miserable.<br><br>I got sober again, at 31. I found God, I found a therapist, I found my friends again, I found my husband again. Life was so good, so beautiful. I loved my kids, I was present, I was happy, I was so happy. I wanted to be a mom forever. This is it, I knew I didn't want anymore kids. I knew I only wanted my two. I was happy. I was content. I was so in love. <br><br>I got pregnant again, when I was 32. I didn't handle it well. I cried. And cried. And cried. I didn't want another baby. I didn't want another child. I was so done. I was satisfied. I was so, so satisfied. I had two healthy kids, I had a husband, I had a home and a career, I was so done.<br><br>I came to accept it, to find the silver lining, to find a way to enjoy it. But it didn't last long. I didn't love my unborn baby. I didn't even like it. I tolerated it and I resented it. I resented so, so much. I resented not being able to drink, not being able to smoke weed, not being able to go for a random drive at 2 am. I resented the sickness, the pain, the fatigue. I resented the cravings, I resented the hunger. I resented my growing belly and my growing thighs and my growing ass. I resented the weird looks, the stares, the whispers. I resented the touching, the grabbing. I resented it all so, so much. I was so, so resentful. I was so, so angry. <br><br>Then I had the baby. And I didn't love it. I didn't even like it. I tolerated it and I resented it. I resented the way it ruined my body. I resented the way it ruined my life. I resented the sleepless nights and endless days. I resented the pain and the sickness and the fatigue. I resented the weird looks, the stares, the whispers. I resented the touching, the grabbing. I resented sweeping and dishes and cooking. I resented the constant questions of "when are you going to do it again". I resented the constant pressure of "be fertile and multiply". I resented the constant stares at my thighs, my ass, my waist. I resent the constant pressure to lose weight and fix my body. I resent the constant criticism of how I am as a mother, how I am as a wife, how I am as a woman. I resent it all. I resent the whole experience of motherhood. I resent my children. <br><br>I don't want to resent my children. I want to love them. I want to be a good mom. I want to be present. I want to be happy. I want it all, but I don't have any of it. <br><br>I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm in therapy, I'm going to meeting's, I'm praying and meditating. I'm reading and journaling. I'm going on runs and hikes and walks. I'm getting my hair and nails done, I'm going on dates and weekends away. I'm trying so, so hard. I'm doing it all. <br><br>I'm better. I'm doing better. I'm going to wake up today, right now, and I'm going to try. I'm going to try again, for the 100th time today. I will do it with a smile on my face, with a song in my heart. I will do it with the help of God and my higher power and my therapist and my friends. I will do it with the help of my husband and our dog and my children. I will do it, and I won't give up. I will do it, no matter what.