My (39m) wife (38f) admitted to me that she wanted to end our marriage 10 years ago but didn't want to do the difficult work of divorce with 3 kids so she stayed. I don't know how to react.

So our marriage is pretty one sided. She refuses to do chores, she will do them if she wants to or if she feels like it but that can be months. Very often she will leave a mess behind her (peeled potatoes, trash, laundry, dirty dishes, etc) and I have to clean up after her. This also goes for our children, she will do stuff for them but that tends to come with a guilt trip "I did all the laundry today" or "I did all the cooking". I work longer hours than she does and I also do way more housework and parental work than her. <br><br>She also controls the finances in our marriage. She kept us almost bankrupt and had to borrow money from her parents which we are still paying back. We can't afford to buy a house because of her. She bought a swimming pool knowing full well that she doesn't have the money for it. But somehow she always has enough money to go to the beauty parlor and get her hair and nails done. <br><br>And then there is the lack of intimacy. She refuses to have sex with me more than once a month. She will also not do things that I want in the bedroom because in her words "I'm not a porn star". For a long time I thought that this was just part of being in a long marriage. But after a trip to a brothel I now know that there is a problem with intimacy with my wife. <br><br>So I started looking into why she does all these things to me and why I am treated so poorly in comparison to other husbands. So I went through her old messages knowing full well that my wife does not have a password on her phone or laptop. <br><br>After a long search I found a message to her best friend from 10 years ago that made my heart sink. I never felt so betrayed in my whole life. <br><br><br>Her: Hey girl!<br><br>Friend: Hey!<br><br>Her: I just wanted to let you know that I will be home in 10 minutes and I will call you then.<br><br>Friend: Sounds good!<br><br><br>Her: Hey girl! I'm home. I just put the kids to bed and I wanted to call you.<br><br>Friend: Hey girl!<br><br>Her: So how was your day?<br><br>Friend: It was good. I had 3 meetings today. How was your day?<br><br>Her: It was good. So I went to the park and I saw this guy there.<br><br>Friend: Who is it?<br><br>Her: His name is M. He works at the big company in our town. I saw him around for a while, but today we started talking. He is really cute!<br><br>Friend: That is great girl! You deserve to be happy and you are so strong for doing this! You are a strong black woman!<br><br>Her: Thanks girl! Yeah I deserve to be happy and I'm sick of his fat ass. I also spoke to my lawyer and he said that I have a good chance to get full custody of the kids. I already put money away secretly and my parents said they will help me out. So I will be fine. But his fat ass won't be.<br><br>Friend: Yeah he doesn't deserve you!<br><br>Her: Yeah I know. But I will give him the rest of the year. But in February I will file for divorce. <br><br>Friend: That's a good idea girl! You are strong and you can do it!<br><br>Her: Thanks! Yeah I can!<br><br><br>In another exchange with her sister from around the same time she said that should could imagine dating other men. <br><br>Her sister: Hey!<br><br>Her: Hey! What's up? You know that Kim is dating a white man now?<br><br>Her sister: Yeah I know. I saw his picture. He is really hot!<br><br>Her: Yeah but he is not as hot as M.<br><br>Her sister: Well you can't have him.<br><br>Her: Yeah but I can imagine to be with him. I can imagine another man. <br><br>Her sister: Yeah maybe you should date him.<br><br>Her: Yeah maybe I should. Maybe in the new year.<br><br>Her sister: Yeah sounds like a plan.<br><br><br>I put this message to her and she couldn't deny that she wanted to leave me but didn't. She said that she grew out of her feeling and that she loves me now and wants to be with me. She said that she can't change that and asked that I move past this. But I don't know if I can. I feel betrayed and I don't know how to trust her again.