I feel like I’m doomed to be lonely my whole life, and I’m starting to accept it (23M)

I’ve always been socially awkward, and I’ve always had a hard time making friends. I’m pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder, but I’ve had minimal success with therapists, so I’m not entirely sure. The lack of success with therapy probably has something to do with the fact that I’m socially awkward and hard to connect with. It’s a terrible cycle to be in, and I’ve never been able to successfully connect with anyone. I will say that I’ve been able to form connections with people in my musical life who also have BPD, but it doesn’t really translate to other parts of my life. <br><br>I’ve always been pretty lonely, but it got even worse when I went to music school. It was a big mistake because I fell into massive depression and I still am in a lot of student loan debt. I got kicked out of school and had to move back in with my mom who is emotionally abusive. Pretty much the only time I’m happy is when I’m playing or listening to music. I’m a pretty good musician, considering that I never finished music school. I play bass and drums in 2 bands and I’ve produced electronic music for a while. The reason this is relevant is that I’ve had a bit of success with my music. I’ve had bands I’m in and I’ve produced music for open up for bands that have a dedicated fan base and people have loved what I do. But even when I’m playing good shows and I’m producing music that people like, nothing has really changed. I still am lonely and lack meaningful relationships in my life. <br><br>I’ve recently been thinking more about the fact that I’ll never be in a relationship or make strong friendships. I’ve had a few relationships throughout my life, but they always end really badly. I’m always the one that screws things up (usually by being too clingy/too controlling). I’m very bad at making new friends, especially if they’re not musicians. I feel like I’m doomed to be lonely my whole life, and I’m starting to accept it. I think music is the only thing that I will ever be remotely good at. The sooner I accept that I’ll never be in a relationship, the better off I’ll be. <br><br>There will always be this void in my life, but it hurts a lot less if I just accept the reality of things and stop hoping that things will change. I’ll always be alone, so I should just get over it. <br><br>Edit: I’m a drummer and a bassist and I also produce electronic music. I produce electronic music because I don’t have enough musicians to play with to play live.