I was really lonely growing up. It’s taking years of therapy to realize I’m not alone in this.

I’m 33. I have two siblings and was never neglected or abused in any way. I grew up in suburbia, in a huge house, with parents who were always successful. I had the world at my fingertips.<br><br>But I was lonely. Extremely lonely. All the time.<br><br>I was an only child for 7 years and when I was 4, I was begging my parents to get me a dog. I got one, and she became my best friend. She followed me everywhere, slept in my room, and honestly went everywhere with me. She was the first dog in our town to be allowed inside the only restaurant (it was in a strip mall) because she was so well behaved. She’d sit under the table and I’d sneak her bites. She was part of the family - the other sibling I had been begging for.<br><br>When I was 7, my sister was born, and I was so thrilled - I finally had a sibling! Someone to play with and share a room with. My parents had just bought a huge house with 6 bedrooms so we all had plenty of space to grow and have our own rooms.<br><br>But I was crushed when my parents said that because I was so attached to my dog, they felt it best that she be my roommate. Actually, I should just have my own wing of the house, because my room was next to my dog’s room. Which was once intended to be another bedroom.<br><br>I was fucking lonely. I had one best friend, and that was it. We’d play together every day after school, and she was over at my house every weekend. But during the summer, she was always at camp. Her parents were divorced and her dad lived in another state, so sometimes she’d be with him in the summer, too. <br><br>So I had a fucking huge house in suburbia, parents who were always working (my dad commuted an hour each way, my mom worked from home on the other side of the house), a dog, and an imaginary friend (who I’ve just realized was a coping mechanism for my loneliness - thanks Chambers).<br><br>I didn’t have other kids my age in the neighborhood to play with. There were kids, but the ones my age were either boys interested in sports, or girls older than me (like 11 when I was 7) who wanted nothing to do with me. To make matters worse, I shattered my elbow when I was 8 in a swimming accident and never learned how to ride a bike. So I was the kid who was too scared to ride a bike in the neighborhood and couldn’t keep up anyway.<br><br>I was an outcast because of my physical appearance. I looked like a boy until I was 13. Not trying to. Just naturally androgynous looking. I was over 120 lbs when I was 10. I remember because my pediatrician called me fat during my 5th grade physical. I started shaving my head when I was 8 because I had staph in my head that wouldn’t go away otherwise (I was very susceptible to skin infections). Then I didn’t stop shaving it until I was 22. <br><br>I was chubby and had a shaved head and deep voice and was just something else. I remember one day standing in the school cafeteria and watching everyone else interact and essentially saying out loud “why can’t I be like everyone else?”. A lunch matron heard me and was like “Why are you talking to yourself?”. <br><br>I wasn’t talking to myself, I just had no friends to talk to.<br><br>I was lonely. I was always lonely. I was loneliest during the holidays. Christmas, thanksgiving, new year’s. It was just my immediate family of five at those events, and my dog, usually in the garage. I always felt... other. Like most kids had these huge groups of people they’d celebrate with, and it was just us five, with no extended family.<br><br>I’m not lonely any more. I still don’t have a huge friend circle, but I have partners and friends and a dog. I live in a big city and I have access to all sorts of cultural activities. I travel. I’m not alone.<br><br>But sometimes I wake up, in the middle of the night, and it hits me. I’m alone again. I’m by myself. It’s just me. I have no one else here with me.<br><br>That feeling will never go away completely.<br><br>But it’s okay. I know I’m not alone in being alone.