I once went to the ER over a jar of mayonnaise

I was in my early 20's at the time, and had been having some weird symptoms for a couple days. I had heartburn, a weird feeling of fullness or pressure in my chest, and felt extremely gassy. The condition was so severe I could drink a bottle of water, and within a minute feel like I swallowed a balloon. <br><br>I couldn't figure out what was happening to me until one day, I opened a fresh jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise, and after consuming about half, my symptoms seemed to subside. I figured it was an anomaly until it happened with 2 other jars. <br><br>I decided it was time to go see a doctor, and was getting so fed up with these symptoms, I finally decided to go to the emergency room. I recall the lady at the desk looking at me with a very confused look on her face when I told her my symptoms (I now realize it was the embarrassment). <br><br>I was rushed into a room, where a doctor explained to me I needed to either take a pill, or have an enema to look at my heart. While studying in class one day, I had a surgical procedure that made the pill an unviable option. The enema was the only other choice to get a good look at the situation. <br><br>I was given a tube to stick up my butt, which I remember being very painful (I was in so much pain I actually cried). I went in the bathroom to complete the task at hand, but after several minutes, nothing would come out. I was in pain, embarrassed, but ready to get down to business. <br><br>I decided to call for help. The doctor came in the bathroom and explained to me that the tube was not supposed to go IN my anus (my bad). He had to stick the tube INTO the opening of my anus, but NOT inside. I now learned either I have no common sense, or my anal muscles are overly tight. <br><br>After a while, a second doctor came in to check up on me. He was an older man (at least 60), and had a confused look on his face. I saw him talking to the other doctor, then they both left. Minutes later, the first doctor returned back. <br><br>He asked me several follow up questions like "You dont take any supplements?" "You dont actually put mayonnaise in your enemas, correct?" "You dont drink mayonnaise?" He was so confused. <br><br>I answered "No" to each question. I dont know if this man thought I was joking, but he looked like he had just sucked on a lemon. He finally told me that I was probably just suffering from a severe case of acid reflux, and then he left the room. <br><br>The other doctor returned minutes later and explained that mayonnaise is not a normal ingredient in any enema, and that I should probably stop eating so much of it. The pain in both of their eyes was visible, and I felt so embarrassed not only for myself, but for these doctors who now had to question the sanity of their patients. <br><br>I left the hospital with a $600 bill and a strong recommendation to lay off the Hellmann's. I now either buy Duke's or Vegenaise.