I basically have no friends. Here’s my story

Warning: This is going to be a long post. <br>It starts when I was little. I’m 19 now. I basically had no friends growing up. I had zero friends in elementary school and my parents ended up pulling me out and homeschooling me because of it. From about 6th grade onward I started to make some friends. I had 2 “close” friends besides my 2 cousins. They were to be my best man/wife in case the other one failed me. I really felt like I had something to lose. Then they both just stopped talking to me. Then I had a friend come along and basically did the same thing. I’m sure if you’ve done any amount of reading on this chamber you see where I’m going with this. I’m about to die alone. I’ve tried dating. I look in the mirror and go “what am I doing wrong?”. I’m overweight. 5’8 250 lbs. My teeth are straight but some of them are dead and I have gum disease. I have 2 tattoos, one on my left bicep and one on my chest but for some reason I don’t think anyone cares about those. I’m lazy-assed af and don’t like to get off my ass. I’m a software engineer and make pretty good money. I don’t really do anything with my money and I don’t really go out ever. I’m a slob and I’m lazy. I live alone and it’s a mess. I had a girl friend come over and she saw all my empty water bottles piled up in the corner of my room and she started judging me and I just felt embarrassed at that point. I bought a dog thinking it would help me get out but it’s just another thing I have to take care of and I don’t like it. I also got it thinking it would be a fun experience and it’s just not. He’s just another chore. I’ve learned to make a lot of good food but that’s just made me fatter. I just feel like I’m not a very good person and if I don’t change I really will die alone. I probably will anyway and I can’t seem to accept that. I’m just scared. Scared? There’s no reason to be scared. No one cares about you. No one cares if you live or die. You’re not that important. But I can’t seem to get over it. Maybe if I felt important I’d be more confident and I could get a friend but I fear at this point I’m just a shitty person. I’ve tried therapy but it didn’t do shit. I didn’t expect it to. I’m just a bad person. I live alone. I get very lonely. I don’t know how to change. I don’t want to change. I’m comfortable. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I’m happy with the way I am. I’m an emotional mess and I’m barely holding it together. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. I’m depressed. I’ve tried meds. I’ve tried therapy. I’ve tried being social. I’ve tried not being social. I’ve tried exercise. I’ve tried being a shut in. I’ve tried everything and nothing works. I just can’t seem to accept it. I’m going to die alone. I’m going to be lonely. I’m going to be miserable. I’m just going to be alone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m just unlucky or if it’s me. I hope it’s not me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really don’t. I feel like it’s not fair and it’s not my fault. I just got dealt a bad hand and I’m going to die alone because of it. I’ve tried everything and I just can’t win.<br>Sorry if this was a little depressing. I just needed to get it off my chest. Winds of change are blowing.