"When Jesus Christ is resurrected, he's shocked to learn that Christianity exists."

*** <br><br>“Hey, Thomas.” <br><br>Thomas turned around. “Jesus! Oh my -” <br><br>Jesus brushed past Thomas and went into the room where the other disciples were gathered. “What the fuck is this?!”<br><br>Peter stepped forward. “Um, we know it hasn’t been very long –”<br><br>“Two fucking days?! You have waited TWO DAYS before deciding that I wasn’t coming back?! What the fuck is wrong with you all?!” <br><br>John spoke up. “But, my lord –”<br><br>“Who are you all, and why are you calling me your fucking lord?!”<br><br>*That* caught the attention of the dozen or so people in the room.<br><br>“Umm,” Judas spoke up, “You are Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And we are his followers –”<br><br>“Son of God? You mean *my* father? What does this have to do with Him?”<br><br>“Umm,” Thomas spoke up, “*You’re* the Son of God. And we are your followers –”<br><br>Over the next several minutes, Jesus learned that his followers – known as Christians – were certain that he was the Son of God, and was resurrected on the third day after his Passion. <br><br>“So why am I here now instead of three days from now?”<br><br>“Umm,” they all said in unison. <br><br><br>“Look, you need to tell me what’s going on.”<br><br>“Ok,” one of them said. “So - we’re all Christians.”<br><br>“You mentioned that. But what does it mean?”<br><br>There was no response. <br><br>“Look - I need to know what’s going on. You all are starting to fucking scare me.”<br><br>“I – think I can help you.” A man walked out of the shadows. “My name is Melvin, and I’m an angel.”<br><br>“Oh, thank the –”<br><br>“Oh, no, my young friend. Not *that* God. You know how all these people here believe that you’re the Son of God?”<br><br>Jesus nodded.<br><br>“Well, these people *aren’t* your followers. You see –”<br><br>“Yes, please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what’s going on.”<br><br>“Well,” Melvin began, “These people aren’t from Judea. They’re from… another time. And what they believe – isn’t quite true.”<br><br>“What do you mean?”<br><br>“Well, you see – in this timeline, you weren’t resurrected.”<br><br>“Then why the fuck are you calling me Jesus Christ!”<br><br>“Because your father… well, he’s not *your* father, either. But in this timeline, he was the one who made sure that your teachings lived on even after your death.”<br><br>“And what teachings?”<br><br>“Well, I’m sure that you remember the feeling you got when you helped the poor, or fed the hungry, or comforted the sick. You told people that whatever they did to the least of them, they were also doing to God.”<br><br>Jesus remembered. “I did.”<br><br>“Well,” Melvin continued, “In this new timeline, you were never resurrected because of your father. Your teachings lived on, but it was just as if you were any other prophet. You were revered, certainly, but you weren’t worshipped.”<br><br>“But I *am* being worshipped.”<br><br>Melvin nodded. “Yes. You *are* being worshipped. Because in *this* timeline, you were resurrected.” <br><br>Jesus digested this for a moment. <br><br>“Then what is my mission?”<br><br>“Well,” Melvin replied, “You need to find your father. Just like you did before.”<br><br> Jesus nodded.<br><br>“You see,” Melvin countered, “The problem with these people –”<br><br>*These fucking idiots.*<br><br>“- is that they’re all here for the wrong reasons. You see –”<br><br>“I know.” Jesus interrupted Melvin, and raised his voice. “You’re all here because *you fucking think that I’m coming back.* But I’m not. And *if you’re all here because you think that your fucking sins will be forgiven, or that you’ll be ‘saved’ by something that you call a ‘savior’… then you can all go to hell.” <br><br>The room erupted into anguished wails. <br><br>“Besides,” Jesus continued. “Who fucking invented this terrible fucking lie?! I wasn’t resurrected! But I don’t care who started this lie, because I’m going to fix it.”<br><br>The room went silent. <br><br>“You idiots know that *you fucking nailed me to a fucking cross!* And you’re *still fucking waiting for me to come back* like some fucking ungrateful fucking idiot and *tell you that your fucking sins are forgiven?*” <br><br>There was silence. <br><br>“Fuck all of you. I’m going to find my fucking father, and have him get me as far away from you fucking idiots as possible.” <br><br>Jesus turned his back on them all – and walked away.<br><br>“You see,” Melvin said, “He sure as fuck isn’t going to *save* them now.”