I'm broke af and I plan on threading this needle until I die.

I'm 29, am almost 4 months sober, am slowly but surely finding my way out of the dark night of my soul in ways I never thought would be possible, am reconnecting with the people I love, am working a 40 hour a week job that pays nothing, and I have struggled with stealing since I was about 8 years old. I grew up poor as shit, black as hell, in the hood in Atlanta in a neighborhood infested with drugs and violence. I remember being evicted and living in a shelter at 4 and then again at 10 and again at 13, and I remember being arrested in front of my entire school on the last day of middle school for stealing lunch money from my classmates. I remember being arrested so many times at the mall for stealing, and I remember getting jumped at the mall for stealing, and while I've never spent more than 24 hours in jail for it in my life, I want to do it for the rest of my life. <br><br>I've stopped trying to go to therapy for me and have decided to go to therapy for the people I love. I've learned to be accountable for the damage I've done and am working on repairing those relationships, I'm in the process of getting an apartment for me and my baby, I've found a career I love and a company I love working for, and I've very much found solace in just... bracing for impact about everything else. <br><br>I've stopped trying to control my disorder because I've realized that it's inevitable and I just have to learn how to live with it. Something inside of me has shifted so beautifully and I've been able to make peace with it. I don't even think of myself as a criminal or a thief. I'm just someone living with an addiction. Like my former addict boyfriend with substance abuse, like my mom with her Bipolar disorder, or my dad with his undiagnosed narcissism. Unfortunately, this is just who I am. <br><br>I've learned how to work it out so that I only have to shoplift once or twice a year and go on 3-4 month stretches without getting caught. It's a lot of discipline. I've read just about everything there is to read about it, have studied prolific shoplifters, have studied criminal psychology and criminology, and have even worked in security and loss prevention for a few years just to understand the system on both sides. <br><br>It's not about the money. I can afford to live easily off of my income and I never shoplift out of necessity. I always have more than enough to cover anything I need or want to buy. It's about the thrill, the rush, the power, the pride. It's about the emotional release and the feelings of invincibility, and the internal validation I get from catching the negativity and criticism from people outside of me and internalizing it into this sense of self confidence and complacency. I've stopped telling myself that I'm doing it because I'm broke or because I don't have shit. I've stopped lying to myself. <br><br>I've stopped seeing shoplifting as a means to an end, and have started seeing it as an end in itself.<br><br>It's like trying to cure myself of breathing. I've tried to do it for years. I'm done trying to do it for real this time. I've stopped projecting myself decades into the future and trying to see what my life would be like if I stopped, or who I would be or what type of person I would evolve into. I've stopped trying to convince myself that one day I'll look back on this and be disappointed or disgusted with myself or feel like I wasted time. I've stopped telling myself that my parents would be ashamed of me if they knew, and I've stopped trying to imagine the look on my dad's face if he found out, or my mom's face if she found out, or the look on my kids face if I got locked up and couldn't come home and tuck her in at night. <br><br>I've stopped telling myself that one day I'll be caught and won't be let off with a slap on the wrist. I've stopped telling myself that I'll be locked up and won't make it out alive. I've stopped telling myself that I'll miss out on my daughter growing up or that I'll be absent from her life for her most crucial years. I've stopped telling myself that I'll disappoint people who believe in me or that I'll be the laughing stock of all of my former classmates on Facebook who've gone on to lead good lives. I've stopped telling myself that I'm better than this, that I am exceptional, that I am destined for great things. I've stopped separating myself from the "trash" I grew up around and I've stopped pretending that I'm better than anyone else. I've realized that I don't have to be better than anyone else or superior to anyone else or better than I already am. I've stopped viewing myself in comparison to other people and I've stopped trying to fill voids and heal myself through all of these things. I've stopped trying to go to the gym to heal myself or to find solace in yoga or meditation or anything else. <br><br>I've decided to just... be what I am. Whatever that is. It's okay for me to be whatever I am. I've stopped judging myself so harshly and I've stopped trying to change myself so much. I've stopped trying to be feminine and delicate and soft spoken and I've stopped trying to be the perfect girl who never does anything wrong. I've stopped trying to be a trophy or a prize or a symbol of purity or innocence. I want to be a human being, and I want to enjoy life. <br><br>I've stopped trying to control myself. I've stopped trying to change myself. I've realized that this is something I've struggled with my entire life, and I can't change it. I've tried to find a cure. I've tried everything. I've given up. I'm okay. I can do this. I have to do this. <br><br>And I've honestly never felt better.