Do not shun shitting in the shower

I've been in the Army for two years now, and I've been stationed in Germany for the last five months. There are a couple of things that I've learned from these experiences: <br><br>1. You get used to anything after some time. Even though the Army is killing me at the moment, I still haven't been to a normal gym in two years. It doesn't matter, because a gym is a gym. It's nice to have more machines and free-weights to play with, but what matters the most is what's in your head. <br><br>2. When staying somewhere for a longer period of time, especially if you're stationed there for whatever reason, you notice differences that a tourist cannot notice. I've spent the last five months on a base, and I feel like I have an opinion on the "living quality" in Germany. <br><br>Germany is an interesting country. Everything from their cars to their beer is "engineered" as much as possible. You all know this, and you've heard how great is their engineering. Imagine my surprise, however, when I discovered that the showers in their military barracks are built in a way that makes it extremely hard to sh*t in them. <br><br>Disclaimer: I know that "shitting in the shower" may be a sensitive topic to some of you. I'm not sure if I was lucky enough to grow up in an environment where pooping in the shower was openly discussed, but I know that it's a topic of interest to many people. I will not get graphic, so this should be safe for work. I also know some of you may not agree with this, but please hear me out. <br><br>Imagine yourself taking a nice, long shower after a decently long run. The water is just perfect, the showerhead is big and the water pressure is so much better than the one in the Army's showers. You have the shower to yourself, and you even have some cold beers waiting for you after your shower. It's close to 90 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and you can't wait to get out of those running shorts that are sticky with salt and sweat. <br><br>As you're starting to lather yourself up, you hear a voice in your head saying: "We are gonna sh*t some poop out today." It's a familiar voice. You've heard it before. This sh*t is discretionary. You can sh*t, you don't have to. It's like a good fly on a fishing trip: you can catch it, but you don't have to. You've learned to listen to this voice. It's never let you down. <br><br>You of course take the shower head and dome it over your head while holding it with one hand. You squat down and spread, before placing your other hand around the showerhead where the head is connected to the handle. You are now holding the showerhead with both hands, so that the water points straight behind you and lands right at the very end of the tub. You take a deep breath, and you let it out. <br><br>It's a beautiful thang to behold, as the sh*t falls by the force of gravity onto a perfectly aimed stream of water. It's like watching a meteor fall into the ocean. You almost get chills every time, and in some cases, depending on your position, you can even watch the meteor enter the atmosphere. <br><br>I mentioned earlier that I moved to Germany five months ago. It was there that I discovered that the showers were built differently than any of the showers I'd seen before in my life. You see, every shower in the German Army barracks was built as follows: <br><br>1. On one end of the tub, there is a drain in the middle. <br><br>2. On the opposite end of the drain is a "ramp" of sorts. It is approximately 6 inches wide, 6 inches tall, and 18 inches long. It is against one of the walls of the tub. <br><br>So imagine yourself trying to pull off the maneuver that was described in the first scenario, but this time in the German showers. If you try to place yourself in a position where the water points behind you, it will eventually land in the middle of the tub. This means that you cannot aim directly where you would like, and you will have to eyeball the whole thing. <br><br>I know that I'm not the only person to have ever thought about shitting in the shower, but shitting in the shower in the German Army barracks is as hard as trying to hit a target from 200m with an M4. You can't.