I got a bag of dog food for Christmas

I'd never ask for anything but I know my mom won't like this. It's an unopened, somewhat expensive dog food, she's not allergic to but doesn't like. I have three dogs and I'd never spend so much for them on such a luxury. We're a pretty conservatively frugal family. We don't overindulge, but we're not poor.<br><br>She offered me the bag because, I guess she'd rather not "waste" it, and I said I'd take it. I have dogs, and I know how to prepare it (it's one of those cooked ones that come in a bag). I told my Mom “I guess I can eat it” as if it's the disgusting thing she thinks it is, and she said “oh, you don't have to eat it! I just thought the dogs might like it!” I said “of course not I'm gonna eat it, it's dog food”.<br><br>I really feel like I’m the underdog who’s been kicked while she’s down. First, she gives me the fucking dog food, then she says I'M not good enough for it. It's a good thing I have a great sense of humor or I'd be furious. We're not a mean spirited family, and we laugh about this joke of a gift, but it really is just sad.<br><br>I just don't understand what goes through her head when she knew what it was and thought to give it to me. I don't know what to call this event. It's not bullying, though it makes me feel just as helpless. I guess I'd call it dismissive mothering. I know she has her own problems, we all do, but I can't help but feel like I'm a burden, and this was her attempt at just "getting rid" of me while still feeling like she's "done her part" as a mother. I'm very financially independent so I don't see why she can't just let go already. We both know I'm an adult and not her problem anymore.<br><br>Sorry to ramble, but I guess this is what lonely is, right? It's not even the dog food that bothers me. It's being treated as a second class citizen. I've been the "fuck-up" my whole life. I'm the black sheep. The family disappointment. And I don't even know why. I'm not the favorite, but I'm not the least favorite either. I'm just...invisible. And I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm treated this way. I don't think it's anything I've done. I know my mom loves me. But she just...sees right through me. Like I'm a piece of glass or something.<br><br>And it hurts. It hurts a lot. And I can't even talk to anyone about it. I have friends but I don't think they'd understand. I have a therapist but I don't think she would either. I don't even think I understand. So I'm just here, writing this out-of-context post, about receiving a bag of dog food for Christmas, like that explains anything. I'm just...I don't know. Idk what I am. I don't even know who I am. I just know how I feel. That's all.