The girl of my dreams made my life a living hell

When I was 6 I started having nightmares about the girl of my dreams. I would dream I was asleep and then suddenly be hurtling through my house being sexually assaulted by women I didn’t recognize. The girls were the same in every dream. I would then wake up in real life to find my mom using a flashlight to see inside my vagina. I wasn’t old enough to fully understand what was happening. I was scared and confused, my mom was doing this to me but I loved her. I didn’t understand why she was hurting me. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. I didn’t know it was wrong. I only knew I was terrified and in pain. I would lay in my bed and wish I was dead, just so I could escape the nightmares. <br><br>I knew it wasn’t a dream because of the physical pain and bleeding. I was too scared to tell anyone I was afraid if I told my father he would leave. I had no one else to turn to. I felt so alone. I felt like I was losing my mind. I would wake up with bruises and marks on my body that couldn’t be explained. I was so confused. I was so in pain. I was so scared. I only got away because my mom got too cocky and my dad caught her. He was angry with me for not telling him. I was only 8 years old. As a father it was his job to protect me. He let me down even though it isn’t his fault. I can’t blame him though. I have been trying for the last 30 years to get my life together. I’ve been trying to heal and feel normal. I will never be normal. I will never be like everyone else. I will never not feel like damaged goods. I will never not be The girl who was sexually assaulted by her mother. I am 38 years old and I still don’t know how to escape the nightmares.