I Read My Mom's Diaries

I don't know where to begin. My dad died when I was two and I've been told it was an accident. I don't know much beyond that. I have a brother and sister who are both older than me. It's always felt as if I'm more of an afterthought. They're the ones who witnessed my father firsthand. My sister used to tell me stories about him. She'd laugh while recalling these stories. She's now an author, on her fourth novel (she writes erotic books). She's a hopeless romantic. Both of my siblings are. I don't know if my dad's death has anything to do with it, but I'm certain that *something *influenced it. My mom passed away on October 30th. She was a free spirit, as well as a hopeless romantic, and was certain that my dad's spirit is still with her. She'd tell me that he was always watching over us. I was never believers in the afterlife. I don't know, maybe I had to witness it for myself. We hadn't cleaned out my mom's house yet. It was still a mess of condolence flowers, alcohol, and relatives. It was a lot to take in. I was wandering around her house when I found a series of diaries hidden in her desk drawer. They were old, they looked as if they'd been buried away for a long time. I opened one at random. It was from when she was my age. I spent the entire night reading those diaries. It went like this. \------------------------ I've always been a daydreamer. I can never take anything at face value. The sky isn't blue, it's the color of my dad's eyes. The trees aren't green, they're the color of a forest where I'd run away with my lover. I met him on a bridge when I was 17. He was tall, handsome, and charming. His eyes were dark, almost black, and his hair was thick, black, and styled in a wild fashion. He was a kind, selfless man, who would do anything for the people he loves. He's been watching over me for a while now though. I could feel him before I ever saw him. I was a bit frightened at first. I didn't know what he was or why he was watching me. But he proved himself to be kind and harmless. And I fell for him almost immediately. It was a whirlwind romance, he showered me in attention. He'd surprise me at work, buy me flowers, and take me to the same bridge where I first met him and he'd tell me how much he loves me. It was sudden. But I was too swept up in it all to have second thoughts. I didn't think twice about it. I was so happy to be in a relationship with him. He made me feel like a queen. That's why it hurt so bad when he left. I went up to the bridge, to surprise him, but I found a note instead. It read- "My love, you deserve the world. And I can't give that to you. You are everything to me and I could never live without you. But you deserve someone better than me. Someone who can give you the world. I love you too much to take that away from you. I can't let you see me again. It'll hurt too much. But I'll always be watching over you. With all my love- Walter" I was devastated. I cried for months, I barely ate, I barely slept, and I barely spoke to anyone. I spent most of my days in bed, going over every moment we were together. I couldn't believe that he found me so disgusting that he left. Of course, I knew that it wasn't true, but it still tore me up inside. I went up to the bridge again, to see if I could find him, to see if I could convince him to come back to me. But he was nowhere to be found. I even waited up there for hours, until it was dark out, but he never showed up. I went back home, defeated, and I cry myself to sleep, knowing that I'd never see him again. \-------------- The next diary was from a few years later than the first. I found a job I loved, made new friends, got a pet dog, and started dating again. I had a few boyfriends. There was Jim, who cheated on me. There was Jake, who I caught stealing from me. There was even Alex, who hit me. I tried so many times. But every time, all I could think of was Walter. I missed him. I missed his smile, his voice, his laughter, and his arms. I found myself comparing every guy I dated to Walter. They all lost. I eventually gave up. I realized that nobody could ever replace him in my eyes. That same night, I went back up to the bridge. And he was there. He was smiling. "You've been hurt so many times, baby," He whispered in my ear. I was paralyzed. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was gone forever. "You have nothing to fear, babygirl. I'll never let you get hurt like that again. I'll never let anyone hurt you." He said as he held me in his arms. "I'm staying with you," He said. And he did. He never left. \-------------- Years later- I got pregnant with David. But I was so scared, I don't know why. Walter reassured me that he'd always be there to help. He comforted me and reassured me. Even after David was born, Walter was there. He changed diapers, fed him, bathed him, and put him to bed. He's such a kind, selfless man. The way he looks at David, the way he looks at me. I'm such a lucky woman. \-------------- A few years later- She fell pregnant with Emily, who died at birth. I'll spare you the details, it was heart-wrenching. A few more years passed- I have another pregnancy scare. I freak out, I don't know why, but I'm so scared. Walter comforts me, he tells me that everything will be alright. And it was. I gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Amy. I can't believe I was ever so afraid. Walter is so good with her. I don't know what I'd do without him. \-------------- A few years later- Amy keeps asking about her father. I told her the truth, he died in an accident. I can see the confusion in her eyes. But Walter reassures her that he'll always be there for her. \-------------- One of the last diaries- I don't know what to do. Amy keeps asking about her dad and spreading rumors that there's a ghost in the house. What if she finds out about Walter? But what if she never does? I'm just so afraid that she'll hate me for lying to her. I don't know what to do. \-------------- The last diary- Amy keeps asking about her dad. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid. I've been reading these diaries for hours. But it's 6 am and the sky is starting to turn a pale blue. Both of my siblings are still asleep. But I have to know. I get up, walk out the house, and head towards the bridge. I can feel the cold air hitting me. But I don't feel any fear. I'm so tired. I finally get to the bridge and I see him. He's smiling. I can barely see him through my tears. "Thank you for taking care of her," He says. "No, thank *you*," I say as I hug him. "I could never have given you the world, but I hope I gave you the next best thing." He says as he kisses my forehead. I nod, still crying. "I know you can't stay." I choke out. I feel his arms holding me tighter. "I can't let you go." He whispers, tears evident in his voice. I shake my head. "She's grown up with you. She doesn't know life without you." I say. We stand there in silence for a while. "You're a kind, selfless man, Walter. I could never find anyone like you," I say. I feel him crying. "She's so beautiful Amy. You got so lucky. Treat her well." He says. "I will." I say as he vanishes into thin air. I sit on the floor, tears still rolling down my face. I don't know what to do. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with Walter. At least Amy's safe. At least she's protected. She'll always have an angel watching over her.

I Read My Mom's Diaries

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