I (F22) lost my virginity to a homeless woman (F30) and I've never experienced anything like it.

This was back in 2018 when I was 18 and in university. I was a dumb white girl with a massive saviour complex and was doing a lot of volunteer work at a local soup kitchen. I met a woman there who I'll call "Jessica". She was one of the "friendliest" people there, always chatting and smiling. She was probably around 30 but something about her face seemed worn out, like she was actually much older than that. She always smelled like the streets, dirty and somewhat like pee, and most people tried to avoid her because of that. I was the complete opposite, I gravitated towards her and we became fast friends.<br><br>We'd hang out all the time at the river. She'd talk about her life, about her struggles, I felt really bad for her and wanted to help. So I'd buy her coffee and cigarettes, sometimes food, and she was always really grateful. One day as we were sitting by the river she leaned over and kissed me. It was a shock, I never expected something like this to happen but I went with it. And we kept seeing eachother like this, hanging out then making out, then I started going to her house (a group home for the homeless) and we'd have sex.<br><br>The sex was great. She was so.... experienced. But she was also really rough sometimes, bruising and biting me, scratching me. I had to tell her to be gentler because I was in a lot or pain, and she'd laugh. But that was kind of her personality. She'd always make jokes at my expense, even call me stupid in front of people. But I didn't care because I "knew" that deep down she cared about me. I remember when I found out I was bisexual, I told her about it and she just laughed and called me a stupid bitch.<br><br>One day we were hanging out at the river, she asked me to buy her something to eat. I told her I hadn't gotten my student loan yet, so I didn't have any money. She called me a stupid lying bitch and slapped me, hard. I was so shocked by this I just sat there dumbfounded. Then she stormed off and I cried, I felt so confused and hurt and betrayed. She never slapped me again after that, but she got angry a lot and she'd throw things at me that would leave bruises.<br><br>I still stuck with her, and one day she told me she needed money for food because she hadn't eaten in days. I didn't have any but she just yelled at me and told me to give her money or she'd "have to go do something [she] didn't want to do". I assume she meant stealing but I had no cash and my card had barely anything on it. I offered to buy her food but she told me she wanted cash so she could buy a sandwich for herself and lunch for the next day. I really had no money to give her.... but that's what I ended up doing. I gave her all my money, like $50, and was pretty much broke after that. She used it to buy wine and cigarettes.<br><br>That was my first red flag, when I realised she was alcoholic. I confronted her about it and she got angry and kicked me. After that I decided I couldn't be with someone like that. They were so toxic, using me for money, calling me stupid, getting angry with me. I told myself I was going to break up with her, but the truth is we'd already broken up, she'd already dumped me after I gave her that money.<br><br>Even though she dumped me, I was still stupidly in love with her. I was so obsessed with her that I'd hang out with men older than my dad just for them to buy me beer. I'd do anything for them as long as they bought me a drink and listened to me talk about Jessica. I was so mentally fucked in the head. I'd go to the hospital thinking I had a broken rib when I really just had bruised muscles from her punching me. I'd call ambulances just for them to come and talk to me for hours about how I was "abusing the system". I went to therapy but the therapist wasn't very good at his job. The psychologists at the university were the only people who helped, they were the ones who got me to stop drinking.<br><br>What really changed everything was when my mum asked if I was okay. I broke down crying and told her everything. She was horrified. She'd never met Jessica before, but when she found out she told me that Jessica was a "street rat" who'd take advantage of anyone. She begged me to stay away, and I could see she was worried so I said I would. But the truth is, I still hung out with Jessica. Even though I knew our relationship was toxic, I was still in love with her.<br><br>A few months later we were hanging out at the river again. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me. She said sure, I paid, then after a while she asked if I could buy her a pack of cigarettes. I said no. We argued and she slapped me again. But this time something was different. I don't know what it was but I just stood up and left. I never spoke to her again, and I never went back to the soup kitchen.<br><br>I feel like my life is much better now that she's out of it. I don't drink as much, I don't hang out with random men all the time. I feel generally more confident in myself and I've stopped taking advantage of the mental health system. But I still miss her. And I'm still a dumb white girl with a massive saviour complex.