I watched the new baby shark movie for 2 hours.

A few days ago, I was a healthy, happy man who had partaken in the rich cultural feast that is film. I had seen it all. The good and the bad. The awful and the sublime. I never thought that anything could touch my heart in the way 2001: A Space Odyssey did or repulse me in the way Shark Tales did. <br><br>I made the grave mistake of watching the new baby shark movie. <br><br>It's 2 hours. The plot is the mama shark fails to control her boisterous children and is kicked out of the village. She has to go find the reclusive Papa Shark because she has no recourse and is terrified of being a single mother. Papa Shark turns out to actually be a fucked up traditional dad who doesn't believe in helping people and has no regard for anyone around him. He embarks on a journey to show his children 3 tricks he learned from the ocean. <br><br>But the problems don't stop there. Baby Shark is a movie with an almost complete lack of dialogue. Most of the words uttered are "4th wall breaking catchphrases," something I was never aware of before this movie. The only word the baby shark character ever says is "doo doo doo doo." It doesn't matter how much he's hurting, or how scared he is. It doesn't matter what he's trying to say. He never says a single word. He doesn't even say "mama" or "daddy." He just says doo doo doo doo. That's not a character. That's just a prop. <br><br>This movie also featured the most drawn out musical number I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Three minutes of constant singing and dancing that never once stopped. It doesn't matter what it was about or why it was happening. This movie contained a 3 minute song that wouldn't stop. <br><br>I have now seen the full depths of the ocean. I have watched Baby Shark. I will never be the same.