My wife and I are trying to conceive our rainbow baby. I really really really don't want to have another child.

My wife miscarried 3 years ago at 8.5mo pregnant. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for her ever since. Now, she's desperate to have another baby. She's afraid of losing me and our 3 kids so I guess she thinks "fuck it, if I have another kid I'll feel better". We've been trying to conceive again for over a year now, but I have low sperm count so it's taking a while. <br><br>I'm stressed about this for so many reasons. Firstly, I'm afraid of losing her. I don't want to have to be a single dad to our kids. I do not want to become a widower. I've had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth in my family last year, and my wife had a miscarriage just a few weeks before her pregnancy that resulted in stillbirth. I don't know what the fuck is going on with my sperm but I'm worried that our baby will be premature and not make it. I'm worried about her having to go through losing another baby. I'm worried that she'll be too stressed and anxious during the pregnancy. I'm worried that I'll lose her. I'm worried about my mental health as well. I've been feeling so overwhelmed and anxious even thinking about having another kid. <br><br>I also really really do not want to have another kid. I'm done. I'm 34, she's 36. Our youngest is 5. I don't want to start raising another baby at 35. We are already struggling financially. We are barely able to make ends meet. I don't want to have to work more hours, or have to move to a different city for work. I don't want to risk losing everything we have. <br><br>She'll be crushed if I tell her I don't want to have another kid. I know I just said I'm done with having kids, but the thought of divorcing my wife is making me sick to my stomach. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I should be supporting her. I should be wanting to help her heal and give her another baby. I'm such a piece of shit.