i don't have a single friend

i don't know what's wrong with me... <br><br>i was a regular child until i hit puberty, then i just became awkward and my whole world came crashing down. i grew a huge amount and i was always by far the tallest (and skinniest) one in the room. i was never really bullied, but no one ever talked to me and wouldn't even make eye contact with me. i was lonely and i knew it. <br><br>i get anxious as soon as someone makes eye contact with me, and i just look down and put my head down in shame. i am unattractive and i know it, and that makes me feel even worse. i feel like a serial killer or something. i look like a creep too because i'm tall and skinny. i'm scared people will be scared of me. i don't even have mirror so i can't look at myself. <br><br>no one even knows i exist. never in my life has someone even asked me to hang out. i'm just a background character. i am being serious, i don't know a single thing about any person i know. i don't know their interests, their favorite color, what music they listen to, what movies they like, literally anything. i don't even know the people i've known my whole life. i don't even know the name of people i've known my whole life. <br><br>i keep telling myself that i'm special and i don't need other people to be happy. i can be enough for myself. i can entertain myself. i can be strong enough to live on my own. i don't need to be in a relationship. i don't need to have friends. i can be happy on my own. i don't need to rely on other people.<br><br>but i'm too weak to be happy on my own. i'm not strong enough to do it. i had been strong enough to do it for 18 years, but the thought of having to do it for the next 40 or 50 years. i don't think i can do it. everything i ever do is just for myself. i never even get to celebrate a birthday. i'm just such a piece of garbage. i'm so worthless. i don't even have anyone to cry to. i don't even have anyone to talk to. i'm just a background character. i'm just a prop. i don't have a purpose. i don't have a reason to live. <br><br>i know i'm not alone in this. but sometimes i just wish people who aren't in my situation could see what it's like. it's not fun, it fucking sucks. it's depressing as hell.