My husband was the first man to fuck me and now I finally know why he isn't into sex

I'm 26 and my husband is 34. We started dating at 19 and married at 23. He's the only guy I've ever slept with. He was my first and only as I was a virgin when we met. <br><br>When we were first dating we were all over each other. A typical young couple. He was the first guy I ever kissed, held hands with and had sex with. <br><br>We waited a month after meeting to have sex for the first time and after we had sex, our relationship kind of felt a little empty to me. He just wasn't great. I didn't experience an orgasm for the longest time. I was kind of just going through the motions and I was so excited to lose my virginity at first and then it felt kind of gross to be having sex for the first time. I felt empty and kind of damaged which I now know is due to his size. <br><br>We only ever had sex with me on my back and him on top. We never explored any other positions or tried anything else and I was satisfied with that. I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal that he finished fast and I didn't get off. I thought sex was overrated. I loved him so I didn't mind that it wasn't great. I assumed that as a woman, I just wasn't wired to be into sex. <br><br>When I was 22, something just shifted in my head. I don't know what it was. I think I saw a sex scene in a movie and got turned on. I remember asking my husband if he wanted to have sex and he was kind of surprised because I hadn't initiated in a while. He was in bed watching tv and I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he said no because he was tired. It hurt my feelings. I don't think he ever initiates sex and we always had to be careful because he can't have full beards. It's a chunk of hair on one side and a patch on the other side type beard. You get the idea. I get why he can't grow a full beard but he insists that he can and that's a whole other thing that bothers me. I don't mind that he can't grow a beard. I was just hurt that he didn't want to have sex with me. <br><br>I kind of brushed that moment off until one day I decided to download tinder and I matched with a guy and we had a conversation. He wanted to get together with me and I didn't ever meet him but we sexted for a while and I got super turned on. He was really into me and wanted to mess around. He wanted to do all kinds of things to me and I was really turned on by that. We eventually lost contact and I thought nothing of it.<br><br>I downloaded tinder again last year when I was 25 and I matched with another guy. We started sexting and getting really turned on. He was really turned on by me and wanted to fuck me in all kinds of positions. He wanted to fuck me from behind and use all kinds of sex toys on me and I was really turned on. Telling a guy what I wanted and being able to ask him what he wanted was kind of a turn on. I didn't ever have that with my husband. We eventually met up and hooked up and it was nice. I came right away and I was turned on. I wanted more. I wanted to explore more. We only met up once and I never met up with him again but ever since then I just can't stop thinking about what I want. I now know what I want and I want to explore but I'm married so I can't explore and I'm just so angry and hurt and frustrated. I feel like I wasted my 20s on my husband and I didn't even know what I wanted. I feel mad at him for not telling me that I can explore and I feel mad at myself for not figuring it out sooner. I feel angry that I didn't get the chance to explore and play the field and I feel mad at him for giving me an average dick size. I know that's not his fault but I do feel mad about it. <br><br>I'm angry that I'm probably never going to have great sex. I'm angry that I will never meet a man in his 20s and experience a healthy sex drive. I'm angry that I'm probably never going to meet another man who I can connect with and I'm frustrated that I'm married and I can't explore. I hate that I'm married. I hate that I didn't get to meet lots of new men. I never had a one night fling or a friends with benefits. I've literally only been with one man. I'm so angry that I didn't get to explore and I feel hurt that I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I like and I didn't know what I want. I feel like I wasted my time and my body. I'm mad at him for not pleasing me and I'm mad at myself for not figuring it out sooner. I'm just angry.