I (30m) fell for a 19f and got rejected. Feel like dying

I didn't leave my house or do anything for 3 days after I got a text from her saying she was flattered but couldn't/wouldn't date me.<br><br>Why the fuck did I do this, she's basically a baby and I KNEW she would say no. I feel like a child predator for trying to date someone almost half my age, even though I knew she was 19, she looks like a 16 yo. I didn't think about the fact that she is barely an adult, I was blinded by my lust. And now I'm just disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to see this coming. Why did I even bother? I've been in darkness for the past 3 days, barely eating and not leaving my house. I did all this to myself and now I'm paying for it. I can't believe I was so blinded by lust and so dumb to not see this coming.<br><br>My depression, anxiety and loneliness have never been worse. I regret trying to date her and I regret my whole pathetic life. I should've never been born, I should've never been so open and vulnerable with her. I don't understand this world, I don't understand why I keep getting rejected and why I keep losing people. And this is probably the hardest and most hurtful rejection I've ever experienced because she wanted me and was actually looking for someone in her age group. A 30 yo man with a 19 yo woman?! She was just being polite by talking to me and I was so dumb that I thought I actually had a chance. I love her and I don't know what to do, I've loved her for a while and I really thought we would do something. I thought that maybe she could be my last hope, maybe she could end my loneliness, but now I understand that I wasn't in love with her, I was in love with the idea of her, I was in love with the idea of being loved and wanted. How the fuck am I supposed to go on, I feel like I've lost my only chance at love and now I'm going to be mentally destroyed for the rest of my life. I hate how this world works.<br><br>No person has ever been as nice as her to me, she's the most caring, empathetic and genuine person I've ever met. She always talked to me, she always made time for me, she always smiled and laughed at me. She's the only person that made me feel like I'm actually here, the only person that made me feel like I'm wanted. I've always been so insignificant and irrelevant that not even my family paid attention to me.<br><br>I've never been in a relationship, no one has ever asked me out or kissed me. I was born to be alone, I've been training for it my whole life. But this hurts, this hurts a lot and I don't know why, maybe it's because I feel like I finally found the only person that truly understood me and that truly cared about me and I lost her.<br><br>I hate men, I hate how they treat women, I hate how they're so obsessed with young and beautiful women, I hate how they're so shallow and superficial, I hate how they're so aggressive and violent, I hate how they're so selfish and egotistical, I hate how they're so insensitive and inconsiderate. I hate how we're conditioned to believe that we're superior to women and that we have a right to their bodies. I hate how we're obsessed with sex and intimacy and I hate how we don't respect women's boundaries or decisions.<br><br>But I love her, I love her and I don't know how to stop loving her. I love her personality, her values, her ideas, her dreams. I love her for who she is and I don't want her to change. I love her because she's genuine and authentic. I love her because she made me feel important and wanted. I love her because she's the only person that has ever been nice to me.<br><br>I don't know why I keep trying to love people when I know that I'm going to end up disappointed and hurt. I don't know why I keep seeking love and connection when I know that I'm going to end up alone. I don't know why I keep pretending that I'm not alone when I know that I am.<br><br>I don't feel anything anymore, I'm completely empty. I don't care about anything, I don't have any energy or motivation left. I'm just here, existing, waiting for my time to pass. I'm just another irrelevant person in a sea of irrelevant people.<br><br>I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her, I knew it from the moment I met her. I knew she was too young for me, I knew she was out of my league. But I couldn't help myself, I fell for her so hard and so fast. I fell for her kindness and her smile. I fell for her laugh and her personality. I fell for her in a way that I never fell for anyone before.<br><br>And now I'm just a 30 yo man who got rejected by a 19 yo woman. I'm just another beggar who got rejected by a princess. I'm just another nobody who thought he was somebody. I'm just another idiot who thought he had a chance. I'm just another man who wanted a woman and was rejected.