My (32 F) Boyfriend (31 M) has a Son (5) with special needs. I am not sure if this is something I can handle long term.

Quite a long post incoming so apologies in advance. I am in quite a crisis and would really appreciate some feedback.<br><br>My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. I met him during a difficult time in his life when his wife cheated on him and left him. She refused to take on the responsibility of raising their son as she never wanted to be a mother in the first place.<br><br>I’ve tried my best to be a supportive girlfriend, but I have developed strong feelings for their son too. I have pushed through every struggle and taken on the role of being a mother figure to him. Now that our relationship is taking a more serious turn and we might be thinking about marriage and living together, I am having serious doubts.<br><br>I have realized that I am not cut out for this kind of responsibilities. I feel trapped and unsure about my decision to be a part of their lives. I am concerned that I might be making a mistake and hurting them in the process. I am torn between my love for my boyfriend and my fears about being a mother figure to his son with special needs.<br><br>Some background: <br>Boyfriend (31) - He is one of the kindest, loveliest guys I’ve met. He is very hard working and has a difficult job, but he is always there for his son (and me whenever he can).<br><br>Son (5) - After some months of dating, my boyfriend and I decided to introduce his son to me. Until that point, his grandpa was taking care of him. The little one has ADHD, sensory issues, autism, and mental issues. Son has a hard time opening up to new people and has difficulty sitting still. He is also non verbal and doesn’t respond to commands, he is combative and has meltdowns. His talking is very limited, he can’t even say his own name. I was not able to interact much with him because of his conditions.<br><br>The first time we met, his grandfather and I helped him change his clothes to go to the park. He started screaming and hitting me and didn’t stop until I left the room. It was not a good first interaction at all. Son’s reaction to me was to attack me whenever he saw me, even months later. His grandfather and I would play with him and he would just be violent towards me. He didn’t like being touched, hugged, or comforted. I would try to give him a hug, he would push me and slap me. He wouldn’t even hug his father. Son has never hugged me without being prompted, and on multiple occasions, he has hurt me without any reason.<br><br>At first I didn’t mind taking care of him when all he did was to watch TV. I prepared his meals and fed him. He ate whatever I gave him and was grateful. He grew to trust me and made an effort to communicate with me. I thought we could have a good relationship after all. But his behaviours became impossible for me to handle especially when he turned 4.<br><br>The situation got worse when boyfriend and I moved in together. We struggled with sleepless nights and his constant need for attention. He would torment me, and I ended up pleading with him to be nice. I didn’t know what to do when he was angry and violent. I felt like I was walking around constantly waiting for him to explode and hurt me. I had to be very patient and not shout or punish him. I tried hard to be kind but it was very hard. He would stress me and cause anxiety even when he was calm. He even hit me in front of his dad. He attacked me for no reason at all, and his dad just said it was okay and we all moved on. In the end, I couldn’t even tolerate him anymore.<br><br>My boyfriend and I need to decide by next year whether he should continue going to school or if he will be institutionalised.We know that his condition won’t improve with age. He is not protected by any laws to ensure his rights and safety. My boyfriend is thinking of sending him to a private facility which is very expensive. If I were to marry my boyfriend, I would have to be the primary breadwinner to provide for them and I am not sure whether I am ready to carry this financial burden.<br><br>I am at a crossroads in my life, and I am not sure what lies ahead. I am concerned that I might be making a mistake and hurting them in the process. I am torn between my love for my boyfriend and my fears about being a mother figure to his son with special needs. I am struggling to adjust to this reality and do what is best for everyone involved. I feel trapped and unsure about my decision to be a part of their lives.<br><br>What should I do? Honestly feeling really lost and conflicted at the moment, I know it sounds awful put this way but I didn’t ask for any of these responsibilities.<br><br>tl;dr : I am my boyfriend’s girlfriend of three years. His son has special needs (autism, ADHD, sensory issues, etc.) and I am struggling with the responsibilities that come with being a mother figure to him. He is non-verbal, combative, and has meltdowns. I am unsure if I can handle this long-term, especially with the potential financial burdens and the decision about his institutionalization.