I'm not asking you to believe me, but this is my story.

I'm just in my teens, what I remember was being bullied for being overweight and small, and even kids younger than me who were stronger got to pick on me. I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too fat, too dumb, too stupid, so many reasons I don't even remember. I will never forget, I was in a locker room changing for gym in 7th grade. I went to change, and a kid in my class noticed I had very long hair, for a guy. This is important later. I had a girl ask me to the school dance, I was so happy, I felt like I was starting to fit in for the first time in my life. I go to change for gym, and I run into that same guy, he calls me a girl in front of everyone and says "I know how much you liked what I said earlier, do you want more?" I was like "No thanks, I don't so much anymore." He hit me and I fell to the ground, everybody started laughing at me. The girl who was going to the dance with me didn't go anymore, she started dating the kid who hit me. He was popular. I was alone. After this incident, I started gaining weight, I was in such pain I could never sleep, I was so sorry for existing. I went up to about 260 pounds as I remember, I was too big to fit in the desks at school. I had to stand in the back of the classroom because I was too big to fit. I was completely alone, so I stopped trying. When I was about 17, I got a job at fast food. I felt so happy because I had a purpose and direction in life. I was bullied my whole life, and I had to work less than minimum wage for the privilege of being put down by everyone I saw. I kept trying for a less crappy job, but nobody wanted to hire anyone my size. I tried to apply, but nobody would give me a chance. I tried to go to college, I was told I didn't have the right grades, or my size and weight were incompatible with campus life. I got down to 190 and I felt so good. I kept trying for a better job, I got better at interviewing but nobody would ever give me a chance. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried. I got a call from my ex, the first girl I ever got a yes from. She wanted to meet up, I was so happy. I met her, and she got angry at me for talking. She said I needed to be more confident, I needed to go for her. She had to teach me how to kiss, but I was so nervous and I fucked it up. She got mad at me and went home. I started losing weight and working out, I was about 170 and feeling good. I started focusing on my work, and I got somewhat promoted. I got yelled at for being too loud and too quiet, so I started wearing headphones and listening to music. I was told that either the headphones had to go, or I did. I ended up quitting, I felt like I didn't belong. I got a job as a custodian, I couldn't make ends meet. I had no money and I couldn't work enough to make ends meet. I felt so depressed, and I couldn't sleep or eat. I was feeling horrible, I had no end in sight. I felt so unattractive, I started attacking people on the road. I went to jail, but I didn't know what else to do. I was so angry and hurt, I didn't know how to handle it. I got out and I started eating less and less. I started self harming. I felt empty. I didn't want to exist anymore. I felt so broken. I am still broken, I feel so empty. I only eat once per day, I don't want to live. I want to disappear. I don't know why, but I hate being alive.