I hate my autistic son and I wish he would hurry up and die.

I moved here from another sub (can't remember it) a while back. I wrote a post about how hard it was for me to accept my autistic diagnosis because I was so deep into the horror of it all (the violent meltdowns and sleeplessness and screaming and destroying property, etc.) so I knew I was the problematic one and that my behavior needed to change. But how? I didn't know how. First, I had to admit that I was the problem. <br><br><br>But you know who the real problem is? My fucking spawn. That is who. I have been feeling it for a while now, but these last few days have been really hard for me. I have been fantasizing about hurting him and today I fantasized about killing him and I just broke. I hate him. I hate my bitchy fucking son and I wish that he would just fucking die already. I absolutely know these feelings are rational. I know they're wrong. My therapist is going on vacation so I have to wait another week to see him. I just fucking hate my son. I hate my fucking autistic son.<br><br>Edit: I never expected this blowback. I thought this would be a safe place to express this. I am really sorry if what I said offended you or was hurtful. I am not getting them help because I am broke and can't afford it, but I am definitely getting them help as soon as I can. I am looking for jobs so that I can get my son the help he needs. By the way thank you to everyone who privately messaged me. I got some good leads and a bunch of helpful information. I really appreciate it.<br><br>Edit 2: I will just say that I am not incapable of love. I love him. The pressure and stress of caring for him is just really weighing on me. I am burned out and need help. I am going to see my doctor and go to the community clinic for therapy and try to get my son into therapy as well. I was going to make an appointment for both of us but I'm broke and only have enough for one session. <br><br>Edit 3: I am so appreciative for everyone's feedback. I am going to take all the advice I have been given into consideration. I have been talking this through with different people and I have someone lined up to care for my son if I am capable of getting help. My son can stay with them for free until I get better. I have never intentionally hurt him or neglected him. But I feel like I'm at my limit and I need help. I am not asking for help with him. I am asking for help for myself. I am very close to just walking away and abandoning him. I don't want to abandon him and I am going to go to the hospital and ask for help and get admitted. I am not a good person and I'm not saying that you should feel bad for me. You shouldn't. I am a horrible person and I hate my son. <br><br>Edit 4: I am going to the hospital tomorrow and I have already called transport and they are scheduled to pick me up at 5:00 am. I am going to get admitted no matter what. I am going to fight for help. I am going to beg and plead with them to please just give me some help. I have been begging for help from my family and friends for years. I am begging again but this time it's different. I am genuinely begging for help and not just making myself out to be a victim. I am not a victim. I am responsible for this. I have been putting this off for years. I am scared but I am going to go through with this. <br><br>Edit 5: I just got admitted to the psych hospital. I start therapy tomorrow and I will be staying for 14 days. I finally got the help I needed. It is surreal. I am leaving my son with my brother and he is going to stay with him for the next 2 weeks. I will have to see my therapist once or twice a week for the next few months. I am extremely overwhelmed and scared for so many reasons but I am also so fucking excited. This is really it. I finally fucking did it. I did it. I finally got help for myself.<br><br>Fake Edit: I just binged season 4 of The Boys. It feels like a fucking...<br><br>Edit 6: I am sorry for all of this. My son has always been my everything. I love him more than life itself. I have been heartbroken for years and I finally was able to get help for myself and I am in the process of bettering my life. I am an amazing father and I have always sacrificed for my son. I love him so much and he is the center of my universe.