I'm secretly happy that my BFF is having a miscarriage

Never thought I'd be typing this but here I am.<br><br>I'm a 28F and I've been best friends ("sisters") with my BF (29F) for over 15 years.<br><br>She's always wanted to be a mother and has been trying for the past two years. She found out 3 weeks ago that she's finally pregnant. We were both very emotional and I was truly happy for her.<br><br>The thing is that I am staunchly childfree. I do not, under any circumstances, want children. I have made that clear from the moment we met and she's always respected that.<br><br>The issue is that my BF, her husband and I made a pact that our children would grow up together. We envisioned play dates, birthdays, family game nights and vacations spent together.<br><br>Now I feel that this will inevitably change once she has her baby. Our friendship will suffer because of it, especially when I don't want to be around her kid.<br><br>When she told me the news I was over the moon for her. However, I don't know how to feel when I consider how much this will change our lives. She'll be busy and won't be available to me like she has been for all these years.<br><br>Last night she sent me a text telling me she was worried because she's bleeding. She's scared that she might have a miscarriage. At that moment, I felt a wave of relief. Like, if she had a miscarriage, then our friendship wouldn't be affected.<br><br>I feel awful about this. I'm not a terrible person but this is how I feel.<br><br>Now I'm overthinking this like crazy. I don't know how to feel.<br><br>Edit: just to update you guys, she's fine and thankful that she's not having a miscarriage. The baby is healthy and she's still shaken but happy.<br><br>Also, I want to thank you all for your comments and making me feel like I wasn't a monster.<br>Thank you so much for your kindness and empathy <3<br><br>And thank you all for your advice, I'm going to talk to her soon.