I have been in a mental institution for the last ten days

I, like many of us, am prone to explosive rage attacks which left me with bloody scratches on the forehead because I would always hopelessly try to break the glass on the doors, with no success.<br><br><br>A few weeks ago I had a very bad breakdown, I screamed for hours at the common table, where we were eating lemon-free pudding (all citrus fruits are forbidden like all dangerous objects, because some people can commit suicide by cutting themselves with orange peel), then I hit my fists hard on the table, causing the others to jump in surprise and the nurses to listen to my requests to be isolated, then I went out alone into the courtyard and started screaming for my mother. I was picked up and thrown to the ground, handcuffed behind my back and therefore taken to an isolation cell with bars all around the walls, where the light didn't turn off and there was surveillance on me 24/7, it was unthinkable to even shit.<br><br><br>I can't explain how shitting in front of the cameras made me feel, it was a very very disgusting and humiliating experience, but I'm glad to have gone through it because it helped me a lot in not having another breakdown like that.<br><br><br>When I got out, I was very weak and underweight, so I went to my mother's house to recover, but I got angry because she wouldn't let me out and wouldn't let me out of the house alone, so I went back to the inpatient unit, destroyed the common room, broke all the glasses, mirror, tv, table and tablecloth with the glasses, then I was isolated again and medicated against my will.<br><br><br>The last time I was locked up, I was given a chill pill, and that shit really chills me out, it makes me very docile, I can still feel the anger, but it makes me feel less aggressive and angry, so I'm happy to take it now, but six years ago when they still put me under forced medication, it really burned me up and made me want to kill them, so I'm glad I'm not like that anymore.<br><br><br>As long as it makes me less angry and not docile in the long run, I'll be happy, but I really think that it makes me less angry as it makes me realize that it's not worth getting into a tizzy and I should try to be more calm and rational.<br><br><br>2 days ago I got out of the inpatient unit, and I was like I was 6 years ago, I had no media, no phone, no money, no home, no papers to buy food, no food, no shoes, no phone or internet to contact my mom, because I burned my bridges really badly with her.<br><br><br>I had to walk about 20 miles to the nearest town, get my papers to have food stamps, my mom refused to come and pick me up at the inpatient unit, but thankfully she called me when I got to town and told me that she would go to pick me up on Saturday, with a little luck two good things happened, a good soul called me and told me that he had read my message from the day before where I said that I was going to come back to town, so he called me to offer to buy me food, but I told him that I was in the inpatient unit, he felt a little bad, so he decided to pay for a food stamp card for me, that I could use for two weeks, so I got to eat a whole chicken by myself for the first time in two weeks, I was so grateful, but the second good thing that happened to me was that a friend who I hadn't seen in 2 years called me and offered to host me for the night, because he knew that homeless people had to report to the authorities to be housed, and he didn't want that to happen to me, so I slept on his couch and since he was a former homeless man, he knew a large part of the homeless people, so he told them to trust me, because I was a friend of his, but now I'm alone, my mother is coming to pick me up, but I still have no money, no shoes, and no phone, my friend lent me a pair of his, but I have to walk all day to go to the beach, and I still have no money.<br><br><br>Fortunately I have to go to the town tomorrow to get my papers to ask for housing, and my mother has agreed to pay for the tickets, but I still have no money, because I have nothing, I have nothing, my life is empty and destroyed, I do nothing but feel sadness and depression, I feel like I'm on a plane that's crashing, no one is driving the plane and no one is going to save me, but I'm still hoping that I'll wake up and I'll find myself in a world where I'm not ugly and where I have a double-digit number of relationships, I'm hoping that my life will change, I'm really hoping that I'll get a house of my own, and that my depression and anxiety will go away, and that I'll start a new life, I'm 24 years old, I don't want to die.<br><br><br>I've been given many chances, I've thrown them away, and I'm still being given them, I have to know how to take them, but I'll kill myself if I have another breakdown and end up back in the inpatient unit, I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of life.