I think it’s really sad that my therapist won’t hold me accountable when I’m lying to her

Both my parents are therapists and I’m embarrassed to know that I think it’s really sad that my therapist won’t hold me accountable when I’m lying to her. <br><br>She’s aware I’m lying but lets me do it. I feel like she thinks the therapy isn’t working because I’m lying to her. She’s always changing up the therapy method because I’m not being honest. <br><br>It’s pretty apparent that I’m lying to her. I have a history of lying. I have a history of manipulation. I’m currently in a manipulative relationship with another therapist who is my “boyfriend” but I also told him I’m not in love with him and won’t ever be. I’m just with him to spite and punish myself. <br><br>This relationship is killing me. I’m so exhausted with it. I want to end it but I’m scared because he’s in trouble with it at work and has never been in trouble at work before. I don’t know if he’ll lose his job. I don’t know what this will do to him. This relationship has made me want to die. I don’t want to die actually, but I don’t know what to do. This is one of the reasons I don’t complain about the relationship because I’ve put myself in it. <br><br>I’m not complaining about my boyfriend because I’m just as guilty as he is. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to hurt him. But I’ve been doing this for years. I didn’t mean to do it to any of them. But I’m 27 now. I need to own up to it. <br><br>I know my boyfriend won’t leave me but I’ve manipulated him into doing disgusting things. I’ve manipulated him into doing things he would never do. We’re both on the same page but I don’t think he would want to do the things he’s doing with me. He did it for me. Because I manipulated him into doing it. <br><br>I’ve told him I think he’s disgusting and I think it’s gross. He’s a terrible boyfriend. I’m disgusting and I’m a terrible girlfriend. <br><br>I put myself in this situation. I chose to do this. I chose to manipulate him. I chose to do this to him. But now it’s killing me. I’m exhausted. He wears me out. <br><br>I have to have sex with him when I’m not even in the mood. I’m literally repulsed when he’s touching me. It reminds me of something else. I’m terrified of men. If I didn’t have pcos I would probably have a baby by now if not several. <br><br>I don’t even know what to do. I want to leave him so bad but I’m afraid to because he’s in trouble. But I feel so gross with him. I feel so gross doing what I do. <br><br>I know I’m the one who did it. I know I’m a bad person. I know I manipulate people. I’m just so tired of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. <br><br>I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m just so tired of it. I just want to leave and get away from him. I want to get away from what I did. I don’t know what to do. <br><br>I feel so sick and gross. I know I’m not innocent. I’m guilty. I did this. I did this to these people. I manipulated these people. <br><br>I’m just so tired of myself. I’m so tired of who I am.