I hate my autistic son

I hate my son. He's severely autistic and non-verbal. He screams and cries all day, and makes life a living hell for our whole family. I love him, and I don't know if the "hate" is even real, but I want to share some of my feelings here and feel no shame.<br><br>Our son is 5 years old. Since the day we brought him home, it's been a living hell. The first 18 months of his life was fine, but since he was 2 he's had extreme temper tantrums lasting hours that we can't resolve. We've tried every technique in the book - every form of therapy, every diet, every method to help him express himself and alleviate his suffering to no avail. <br><br>Our son is non-verbal. He can't say a word. He's been in speech therapy for three years and has never said a word. He can't feed himself. He can't wipe himself. He is entirely dependant on us to do everything for him. We've forced him to do normal activities - like going to the park, or being around other kids - in the hopes of getting him socialized and getting him to change his behavior and interact with us to no avail. We've had multiple ecstacy sessions (the drug) to try and help him as well. <br><br>He's constantly in pain. We've been to every conceivable specialist to help him - every microbiome testing under the sun has been run, every doctor that specializes in kids with severe autism has been spoken to, and we've followed every single recommendation to try and fix his pain and discomfort to no avail. He's had ear infections his whole life and is often extremely constipated, but no matter what we do we can't resolve this. <br><br>He is extremely aggressive and violent. He bites, hits, and kicks others, and has attacked each member of our household. He's broken multiple pairs of glasses of mine and has smashed his teeth into every part of my body. He's broken toys, smashed up both cars, attacked our other dog until we had to rehome her because she was shaking with fear every time he came near, and has destroyed countless things around our house. We pay thousands of dollars every year to get him a 1:1 aide in our house, but he's attacked them all and we can't find someone willing to put up with him anymore. We've run through over 20 different people in the last two years.<br><br>We used to go on vacation like most families. We used to have a nice house. We used to have money saved up. We used to have regular date nights. We used to have a normal life with a normal kid. You grow up and think that anything in life can happen - you can divorce if a marriage goes bad, you can find a new job if you hate your current one, you can move to a new place if you hate it. But no matter what you can't "divorce" your child. We can't sell them or trade them in or do anything but put our lives on hold until ours ends (or presumably until he kills us). <br><br>I feel like I've actually lost myself already, and I don't know who I am or what my future holds anymore. 6 years ago I was a 25 year old guy excited for college to be over, to get a good paying job and settle down with my college sweetheart. But it's 6 years later and I'm 31 now, and I'm a broken, lifeless, depressed shell of my former self. I hate what my son has done to me, to my relationship with my wife, to my friends, to my house, to my family, and to our finances. <br><br>I don't know what to do. I just wanted to be a dad, have a normal kid, and enjoy my life. Now it's all gone, and there's no turning back. He will never be able to take care of himself. He will never be able to function. I dread the idea of him turning 18 and going into some state facility because neither my wife or I will be around to take care of him anymore.