The candidate I had to let go was the cream of the crop. She's cute, really intelligent, very charming, funny, and the half-black half-Hispanic girl I wish I could go back in time and give a chance.

I work at my university's student counseling center in the counseling graduate program. We have to decide which of our co-workers we keep in the program and who we have to let go of. It's a very competitive process, and only the most emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and mature applicants get in. Usually the people we don't keep see it coming because they tend to be less self-aware, emotionally damaged, a combination of the two, lazy, or immature.<br><br>Recently, we had to let go a candidate named Sophie. The whole time she shadowed us in training, I wanted her to be our new counselor. She was very intelligent, very kind, and personable. She seemed to be mature beyond her years by a long shot, and her understanding of personality dynamics was incredibly impressive. Every training meeting we had, she was very engaged and seemed to absorb the training like a sponge. She was very relatable to our residents, and the way she conducted counseling sessions went above and beyond the call of duty. She also had a very bubbly, charming personality, and a great sense of humor. Every time I had to interact with her when we did our training together, I walked away more and more impressed with her. Honestly, I wanted her to be our new counselor. She was one of the most impressive candidates I had seen, and I thought she had it in the bag. But there's a catch. <br><br>She was also very, very cute. She was clearly mixed, had long, dark curly hair, and had a very pretty face, cute voice, and spoke very articulately. She was a bit on the shorter side, but she had a very athletic build. Naturally, I developed a crush on her. I think it was impossible not to. Every time she'd walk into the room, I'd just stare. <br><br>I've been in this program for two years. I have a year and a half left. If I were to pursue a relationship with her, I would have been putting my career, education, and reputation at risk. It would make things very complicated in the counseling center, unprofessional, and completely unboundaried. I felt like I had to choose between the thing I love doing, or the first girl in a long time that made me feel alive.<br><br>It didn't help I've been lonely since I got into this program. I've only had a few hookups, and a couple of flings that didn't work out, one of which was with one of my co-workers (don't ask me what I was thinking.) I desperately wanted to feel like I was desired again, and that I could date someone who I actually liked. But after I met Sophie, I felt like I was in way too deep. I wanted her too badly. I couldn't let my infatuation cloud my judgment, so I talked to my superiors about it, who then decided to bring it up with the rest of the counseling center. They decided as a group that she wasn't the best fit, despite knowing how unfair it is.<br><br>When we let her go, I felt simultaneously relieved and disappointed. I began to wonder what would have happened if I had decided to keep her on, what it would have been like if we had dated, or even if we had just been able to express our feelings to each other. I realized that I may never feel this way about someone again, and that I may have just let a once in a lifetime opportunity slip away. <br><br>I don't know what I did, or how I feel. I feel like I've done something incredibly wrong, but I feel like I made the right decision. I don't know if my infatuation with her was enough to let her go, or if my infatuation with her was so strong that I couldn't make an objective decision. I just know that it's better for both of us that she's gone.