A day in my fucking life as a nurse, in America, during a pandemic.

Small town in southern US, rural area, no trauma center, 1 Icu, 4 med surg floors, one ER, ED holds about 40 patients at a time. 4 room ICU. I’m an icu nurse, 8 years experience, 33 years old. I’ve cried more in the past 8 months than I did in school, or nursing school, or my entire life. I’m a type A person-people person that needs to help people. I knew I’d be exposed. I knew I had no choice. 8 months later the closest hospital is now sending us their ventilator patients because their icus are full. Today we got 2, both putting on nasotracheal (makes it easier for patients to tolerate) ventilator, both in respiratory failure, both middle aged. One was a nurse anesthetist, the other just a healthy nurse practitioner. Both in their 40s, both with kids, both coding on the ventilator and dying as I’m writing this. Both just like me. Both were doing what I’m doing now-except they’re about to die. One coded twice today, other coded once but her heart slowed down so much it stopped. We have 4 rooms in the ICU, each room has a window to look in, the patients names are on the glass so you can see them from the nurses station. Today is fucking it. Today I fucking broke down in front of my staff after work and cried and cried because I’ve given everything to help people and today it fucking hit me right in the fucking face. Both of those women are just like me, and today I had to give them a tube and watch them die because of fucking politics. I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have 3 kids, I want to live. I want to get back to normal, I want to hug my fucking friends and kiss my fucking boyfriend and have dinner with my parents. I fucking miss people. It’s in our county, it’s around me, today it was ME. Today I had to save 2 of my colleagues from fucking dying because our government fucked this up. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in 8 months, he lives an hour away, I miss him so much. I just want to hug him and look into his eyes and tell him I love him and be held by him, just to be held. I can’t fucking do this anymore. 2 of my colleagues fucking died today, one is going to be placed on ECMO but she’s not going to make it. I just called her husband and told him that she might not make it and his kids are 3 and 5, just like mine. They have the same birthday as my kids. She’s not going to make it, she’s going to fucking die. They fucking sent her to me because their fucking ICU was full, they fucking sent her to fucking die. I fucking hate this country, I love it but I fucking hate it. I’m a nurse, I’m not supposed to hate, I’m supposed to love and help and give everything. I just can’t do this shit anymore, I miss my fucking people. I feel like I’m watching myself die. <br><br>Edit: I was a nurse anesthetist student until the pandemic hit and they shut down schools. I then went back to med surg/ICU after years of being a CRNA student. I’m not a great ICU nurse and I get reprimanded all the time for things I do wrong but I’m doing my best. I’m not a good ICU nurse but I want to be, I just don’t know how to be. I cried as much as I could in the bathroom, and when I couldn’t cry anymore I came out and told my staff I’m quitting. They cried and begged me to stay. I said I can’t do this anymore, I miss people, I can’t watch another nurse or doctor die. They cried and cried and said I was part of the team and they couldn’t lose me. I said I couldn’t watch another person I care about die in front of me and I can’t go on like this, I was going to quit and never look back. They got on knees and begged me to stay, they said the hospital would shut down without me. I said that’s your problem, not mine. I can’t do this. They begged more and cried more and said they needed me to survive. I finally agreed, but requested to be sent home with pay until I felt better. They agreed and I went home and cried more and just got in bed and cried some more. I fucking cry so much, often I have to just lay in bed and cry and cry and cry and this is my fucking life. I’m so fucking sad and I want all of this to fucking end, I wish I could just fucking end it all. Just end it. Fuck this shit.