I don't want to be a dad.

Before I begin, I want to make it clear that I absolutely love my child and I will always put their needs before my own. They will never go without food, clothing, or a roof over their head. They will never be physically abused. They will never be left unloved or unstated. And I guess that’s why I can live with the decision I made. <br><br>I knew from a young age I never wanted to be a parent, but I also knew that if I got pregnant accidentally it wouldn’t be an option for me to abort. I didn’t even want to be a part time carer! But I never thought I would be able to cope with abortion. I used to work in a pharmacy and I saw so many young girls (and boys), so many teenagers scared and crying about unwanted pregnancies and then struggling with the morning after pill and the abortion pill. I knew I couldn’t do that. <br><br>I never intended on having a baby. I’ve always known it. I’ve never been ready. I’m still not ready. I don’t think I will be for a very long time. I’ve always been told “but you’ll make a great parent! You’re so patient with kids! You’re amazing at your job with difficult children.”<br><br>I became a teacher… of special educational needs children. I work with children who have complex needs, some of whom will never be able to communicate or live independently. And I love my job. I’m good at it. But I still don’t want to be a mum. <br><br>I always knew it. And I made the wrong choice. I allowed someone who was risky into my bed. And I fell pregnant. I knew I couldn’t do it, but I didn’t end the pregnancy whilst I had the chance. <br><br>So here I am. I have a beautiful, well behaved, clever child. I resent them a little. I feel guilty for resenting them. I love them. And I would do anything for them. <br><br>I feel so alone and I can’t talk about it to anybody. I just want to run away.