I remember the day my mother told me I was ugly, nothing has been the same since

My mother, 38f, is an attractive woman. Her career as a nurse barely pays her enough to make ends meet, but she has 3 kids to provide for - my elder sister, 18f, has left the house and moved in with some guy in another state, but the other two, my twin brother and I, 18m, are still here. <br><br>I'm...not a good looking guy, so I don't even bother to go out anymore. I've put on a lot of weight over the last year or so, and my face has become bloated and unpleasant to look at. I think it's because of all the pizza I've been eating, but I honestly couldn't care less at this point. The only thing that gets me out of my bed is my need for food, which is the only thing that consoles me in my misery. I'm probably going to get my GED this semester, because I've been missing so much school. Why bother with any of it? My life is useless, I'm ugly, I have nobody to talk to, and my life has been nothing but suffering. <br><br>I can't remember when it all started, but I think I was probably 9 or 10 when I first realized I was 'different.' I'm short for my age, I have acne all over my face, and I'm fat. I'm not just 'a little overweight', I'm what most people would call morbidly obese. I've been in therapy for my anxiety for a few years, but it's been to no avail. I can't turn to my mom for anything, because I know she'll just scream at me. I don't see my father anymore, the last time I saw him was on my 13th birthday, and I have no idea how my siblings deal with the pain of having such an ugly parent like me.<br><br>One night, when I was 13, my mom came to my room, braying about how I embarrassed her by getting in another fight with 'the bullies'. I put that in quotation marks because I don't really think they're bullies; I just make myself an easy target, and they take advantage of it. Anyways, that night, I was in so much pain that I just wanted her to hug me, or something. I fucking wanted her to be my mother, but she wasn't. She never has been.<br><br>"Mommy, come hug me," I said.<br><br>She looked at me with disgust in her eyes, and I saw a shadow pass over her face. It was a mixture of annoyance and contempt. Then she told me something that I'll never forget: "What the fuck is there to hug, you're so fucking ugly."<br><br>I don't remember much of what happened that night, but I do remember that she didn't sleep in my room. I think we both knew she couldn't. She's never apologized for it, and I've never forgiven her. I've never forgiven my father for leaving us, but sometimes I wish he'd take me with him whenever he comes back. I'd rather be with him than her.<br><br>She's never said I'm ugly since then, but sometimes she'll hint at it. I think my self esteem has just died at this point, and whenever I try to talk to anybody, they're all just disgusted by me.<br><br>I'm ugly, and life is trash. I don't know what the point of living is, and I know I'll be alone forever. I'm not even mad at my mom or dad for treating me this way. After all, why would they love me? I'm a worthless, ugly piece of shit.<br><br>&#x200B;