My son is the reason that my mom is dying

I’m 29 and I got pregnant at 18 at a party with my boyfriend at the time. I was mature enough to realise what was important- both my child and my career. My son’s birth didn’t affect my life that much, I was mature enough to take care of myself and him, and I held a steady job right up until I was 8 months pregnant and then took a 3 month old rest before going back to work. <br><br>Fast forward to now, I decided that I wanted to go to law school, but at the time I lived in a city that was too far from the university (3 hour drive), and my mom and dad said that I could move in with them to help me with my school, and I decided to take that opportunity. It was a blessing, as I could work part-time as a waitress and focus on my studies. <br><br>But even with my parents taking care of my son, I still could see that the toll having him took on me- I don’t have many friends, I didn’t get much from student life and I was soldiering on with my studies and work. <br><br>My dad has died a few years ago, and it was my mom who took care of my son most of the time. I was taking my second bar exam, and I was extremely anxious about it. I studied 12 hours a day for both my job and my exam. I asked my mom to help me with my son during that, as I couldn’t take care of him properly. My son is a difficult child and needs a lot of attention. He has ADHD and he’s angry and he has a lot of meltdowns. <br><br>I don’t know how to help him, I imagine that every mom can’t help but wonder if her child would be better if she got a different parent, and I always felt like I was a failure because I didn’t seem to make my son happy. He would always throw a fit and was extremely difficult to handle. Around that time, he also started punching and kicking his teachers and sending mean texts to his friends at school. <br><br>He’s always been a challenging and difficult child, and I felt like I failed him somehow. <br><br>My mom was very good to my son and loved him very much, and I was able to focus on my school and I passed my exam. <br><br>Yesterday, my mom who is 58 has collapsed in the bathroom and I brought her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with an aneurism and they said that she might not make it. I can’t help but wonder how my son’s birth and existence has affected everyone in his life. <br><br>My father died because he had a stroke and the doctors said that it was caused by his diet and his stress, and I can’t help but wonder if he was less stressed out if my son wasn’t born to begin with. He also was an alcoholic and it took a toll on his health. <br><br>Right now, I’m in the hospital and my mom is still fighting for her life. I’m also extremely anxious and worried because I don’t know how I’m going to handle my son on my own now. He’s a handful, and I’m in law school, and I don’t have a partner. My son doesn’t have a father and I don’t know how he will handle this if my mom dies. I am also heartbroken and worried about my mom and I don’t know how I’m going to answer my son’s questions when he asks about her. <br><br>I don’t want to be an awful person who blames her son for everything bad that happens in her life, but I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like without him. <br><br>Sorry for the rant and please forgive me for the long post.<br><br>Edit: Thank you all for the kind comments and advice. I am giving a big hug to my son right now because I’m realising that I need to accept my own failure. And even though my life is hard right now, I’m sure that I can find some way to push through by myself.<br><br>Also, please don’t blame my son here. I’m responsible for my parents, not him. I’m also the one who can’t accept my own failure.