An ancient evil (and 3 lesser evils) walk into a bar. Turn about is fair play.

The Ancient Evil of Old was sick of the heroes that kept showing up at his lair. Every day it was the same thing. "You're evil and I must kill you!" Then they'd hack and slash their way through hordes of imps and demons, then slay the Ancient Evil of Old, only for him to reform 10 years later and not remember a damn thing. One day, the Ancient Evil of Old decided to take it to them: he went into the heroes' tavern. Every Hero Of Light And Righteousness went there eventually, and the Ancient Evil of Old had its eye on three in particular. Inside, he sat at the bar next to a young-seeming woman who introduced herself as Mild Inconvenience Cat. There were two empty stools on the other side of him, and a small notice that said "Reserved for Wicked Minion #2 and #3. DO NOT SIT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED." "Barkeep, a drink!" the Ancient Evil of Old roared. "And a whiskey for my new friend!" The barkeep looked at both of them, then shrugged. "Two whiskeys. 5 bucks a piece." The Ancient Evil of Old slapped a $20 on the bar. "Here is your worthless mortal money. Keep the change." Then he looked at the Cat. "I am an Ancient Evil of Old. I have terrorized the land of Eldoria for 300 years, and I will not be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." The Cat looked at him, blinked, and started sipping at her own whiskey. "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." -- Across the bar, Wicked Minion #2 and #3 walked in. Minion #2 was a Minion of the Apocalypse, while Minion #3 was an Evil Minion of a Dark Overlord. "I am Minion #2," he said. "Prepare to die." "Oh, you're cute," replied Elibar the Brave, Hero of Light. "When I kill you, you will never exist again." "I'm not that kind of Minion," Minion #2 replied. "I'm a Minion of the Apocalypse. When you kill me, the very fabric of space will rend itself, and reality will unravel at the seams." "Oh, you're cute," replied Elibar the Brave, Hero of Light. "When I kill you, you will never exist again." "Uh," Minion #2 said, "and then time will reverse. All the stars will burn out, the planets will drop out of their orbits, and there will be nothing left but me, cackling at the end of the universe." "Oh, you're cute," replied Elibar the Brave, Hero of Light. "When I kill you, you will never exist again." "Oh wait," Minion #2 said, "I forgot what kind of Minion I was. You're right, I'll never exist again." "You're an idiot," said Minion #3. "I am an Evil Minion of a Dark Overlord. I have no powers or skills other than the ability to be where I need to be, and to Turn Out To Be Plot Important. I will defeat you, Hero of Light, by virtue of the fact that I have 2 of the 3 things necessary to be a hero." "Oh, you're cute," replied Elibar the Brave, Hero of Light. "When I kill you, you will never exist again." "I'm afraid that that is not true," Minion #3 said. "For I have discovered that what the Hero of Light is, is a MacGuffin. This entire quest, this entire *life* has been nothing more than a MacGuffin for me to catch." "Oh...shit." "I am Minion #3," he said. "Prepare to die." -- The Ancient Evil of Old tapped his empty whiskey glass on the bar. "Barkeep, a drink! And another for my friend!" The barkeep scowled, and a glass of whiskey appeared in front of Ancient Evil of Old, while a saucer of milk was placed in front of the Cat. "Here you go, Ancient Evil of Old. Enjoy." "I am an Ancient Evil of Old. I have terrorized the land of Eldoria for 300 years, and I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." The Cat blinked, then looked at him. "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." "I remain tormented by the terrible things I have done." "Wait, what?" "I'm not sure I can bear the weight of my own malevolence. I am an Ancient Evil of Old. I have terrorized the land of Eldoria for 300 years, and I will one day be defeated by something so paltry as 'good'." "Oh my. Your whiskey appears to have been drugged." "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." "Yes." "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will one day be defeated by something so paltry as 'good'." "Oh my." -- "It is our duty as heroes to defeat those who would threaten the land!" Hero of Light exclaimed, as she died to Minion #2's katana. "It is our duty as heroes to defeat those who would threaten the land!" Hero of Light exclaimed, as she died to Minion #2's bow. "It is our duty as heroes to defeat those who would threaten the land!" Hero of Light exclaimed, as she died to Minion #2's magic. "It is our duty as heroes to defeat those who would threaten the land!" Hero of Light exclaimed, as she died to Minion #2's bare fists. "It is our duty as heroes to defeat those who would threaten the land!" Hero of Light exclaimed, as he died to Minion #2's laser beam eye blasts. "Two whiskeys," Minion #2 said. "One for me, one for my friend." "I am Minion #2," he said. "Prepare to die." "Oh, you're cute," said Cat. "When I kill you, you will never exist again." "I...uh...uh oh." "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." "I may have overreached myself," Minion #2 said, as Cat swatted him across the bar and into a corner. The Ancient Evil of Old slid down out of his barstool and thumped onto the floor. "I...cannot...bear...the weight of my own malevolence," he moaned. "I will bring darkness across this land." A foot slammed into his chest, propelling him across the room and into the same corner as the Minion. "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." "Two whiskeys," Minion #3 said. "One for me, one for my friend." "I am...not...a Minion of the Apocalypse." A massive, scaled foot descended from the ceiling and slammed into him, driving him into the floor. Minion #3 fell across him, groaning. "I...may have overreached myself." "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." -- The dust settled, and the patrons surveyed the damage. The Ancient Evil of Old, the Minion of the Apocalypse, and the Evil Minion of the Dark Overlord were all dead, each in their own corner of the bar. The Cat rubbed at the toe of her shoe, cleaning off Ancient Evil of Old guts. She hopped up and sat in the chair he'd been occupying. "I am a Mild Inconvenience. Only I am worthy to sit at the bar." The barkeep nodded. "Agreed. And I believe that you have earned a drink." "Nothing, thanks." "Oh?" "I am a Mild Inconvenience. I have bothered the land of Flurb for 162 years. I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'good'." "I am a Hero of Light and Righteousness. I have terrorized the land of Eldoria for all of my life, and I will never be defeated by anything so paltry as 'evil'." "Oh my. Your whiskey appears to have been drugged." "I am a Hero of Light and Righteousness. I have terrorized the land of Eldoria for all of my life, and I will one day be defeated by something so paltry as 'evil'." "Oh my." -- [Addendum: there is a sequel, if you want it.]

An ancient evil (and 3 lesser evils) walk into a bar. Turn about is fair play.

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