Every time someone says, "Jesus Christ," an actual, aware, modern-day Jesus shows up. Unfortunately, he's an asshole.

Everyone had been waiting for the second coming for over two millennia. And then one day, it happened. <br><br>As some guy named Jacob Hobbs watched his basketball game slip further and further away from him, he wailed, "JESUS CHRIST! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WHY DO YOU CURSE ME LIKE THIS?!"<br><br>Then the final whistle blew, and he lost. Little did Jacob know, he'd just set off a chain of events that would soon engulf the world. <br><br>Jacob had just left the court when a man walked up to him. He was tall, with short, well-groomed hair, a well-groomed beard, and a modern business suit. The only thing that made Jacob realize who he was talking to was the little crown of thorns around his head. <br><br>"Hello," said the man. "My name is Jesus Christ. I am the Son of God, the Savior of Man, and the Judge of the damned. You called?"<br><br>Jacob looked at him with a mixture of confusion and shock. "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that."<br><br>"It's alright. I am nothing if not forgiving. So why did you call me, Jacob Hobbs?"<br><br>"I...I lost a basketball game."<br><br>"Well, let me see what I can do." Jesus waved His hand, and suddenly the sports hall was filled with light. "This is a trial by combat. Your opposing team will consist of twelve demons, and I will fight on your side. Are you ready?"<br><br>Jacob's eyes widened. "Hell yeah, I'm ready!"<br><br>And thus, the Second Coming began. But it wasn't like anyone had expected it. The world was filled with basketball games and boxing matches and chess tournaments, all between random people and powerful demons from Hell. But no end times apocalypse. No sign of the Four Horsemen. <br><br>Soon, people stopped saying "Jesus Christ," and the strange occurrences started to die down, but not before Jesus had opened His first restaurant, which Jacob Hobbs became the manager of. <br><br>One day, a man named Daniel Dunnam walked in and yelled at the waiter, "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! BACON IS BETER THAN SAUSAGE! IT JUST IS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! JESUS CHRIST, WHY DO YOU TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND?!"<br><br>Then Daniel heard a voice behind him. "You know, I take offense at that. I am the Son of God, and I am many things. A condiment critic is not one of them, however." <br><br>Daniel spun to see a modern-day Jesus standing there, along with Jacob Hobbs. "Jesus? Is that you?"<br><br>"It is." <br><br>"Well, what the fuck did you say to offend me, you douchebag?" Daniel asked. <br><br>"Well, you see, I had decided to open a restaurant. It's both a way to make ends meet and a way to minister to the good people of this city –"<br><br>"Oh, me? Good people? Fucking thank you, kind sir!"<br><br>"–anyway, the chef here has decided to put sausage in the mac and cheese instead of bacon –"<br><br>"Oh, what the fuck? SAUSAGE?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?! JESUS CHRIST, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! WHY –"<br><br>And with that, the entire restaurant was filled with light. Daniel was suddenly transported to a boxing ring, where he was expected to fight against Satan Himself. Daniel did not do well. <br><br>"I don't get it," he said as Satan delivered the final blow. "I've never been in a fight before. How are you so good at this?"<br><br>"I have had over a million years to practice, Daniel Dunnam. You will not be returning." <br><br>And with that, Daniel Dunnam was gone. Jacob Hobbs watched the whole thing go down with Jesus. <br><br>"You know, Jesus, I don't get it. Why did you bring Daniel Dunnam here? Why did you make him fight Satan?"<br><br>"You know me, Jacob. I am a forgiving man. And I am no longer the God of the Old Testament. I have come to realize that sending people to Hell for eternity is not the right thing to do. Instead, I have decided to punish people temporarily, in various ways, based on their crime."<br><br>"What did Daniel Dunnam do to deserve that?"<br><br>"He insulted me. In return, I brought him here, to my restaurant, and made him fight Satan. I also made sure he lost and got sent to Hell. But don't worry, Jacob. Daniel Dunnam will be back in two weeks, and he will have learned his lesson. And I'm sure he'll realize that sausage is better than bacon."<br><br>Jesus smiled, and Jacob was glad he was on the Savior's good side. Meanwhile, word was getting out that Jesus had returned, and that He was not here to save us. He was here to minister, and if you did something wrong, you'd face His wrath. <br><br>The people of Earth entered a period of great change as they adjusted to Jesus' modern method of ministering.