Forced marriage

I was in my first year of uni and had met a girl who was in a similar situation to me. Both of us were living at home and commuting to uni. I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend since I was 16 (3 years) and she was about 18 months into hers.<br><br>We were both sat in our uni student union chillin, it was the end of the year so we were in a celebratory mood.<br><br>We were both talking about our relationships and she was telling me that she wanted to be a single mum. She said she was trapped and that if she wanted better for her life she would have to juggle a baby and uni/ work, but it would be better for her. She told me that marriage was a trap and she wanted to be financially supported by the state.<br><br>I was shocked by her comments but I was trying to be supportive. I remember her saying that I should be careful that I dont end up in a similar situation.<br><br>My relationship was good at the time, my boyfriend was doing the same course as me and we were planning to move in together after we graduated. That was the plan and we had talked for months about it, making sure we were on the same page.<br><br>I remember saying it to her jokingly, that the state would have to support me and my kids. She told me I shouldn’t joke and that if I wanted kids I should use a sperm donor. Then she said that I should get a one night stand to get pregnant bc I was already in a relationship so that option was off the table.<br><br>I think she knew that I wanted kids because she would see them when she was out and about and say hi. I love kids and I find them so cute.<br><br>I remember her saying that I should do it now while I still have my freedom. I dont know if it was because she knew I was saving for a house, but that was the case. I remember that she pushed it and said that I wouldn’t be able to plan a pregnancy before I am financially stable and when I am, I will be married. And she was right, that was my plan, to be married and have kids. Even if my boyfriend wouldn’t marry me I still would have had kids with him. I remember me replying “I’m not ready for kids yet” and she said why bother getting bc you can have a child with a man you dont love and he wont be in your life. She also said that I don’t want to be stuck with a man who I do not love.<br><br>I remember her talking about how the state would pay for everything and how she would rather have a baby by a random man then her boyfriend. She was adamant that I should do it too. She was really pushing for it and making it sound so good, while she was also making it sound bad for me to have kids with my boyfriend.<br><br>I remember her saying how the state will pay for the baby and I wont have to deal with the father. I wont have to be a single parent in a relationship.<br><br>She also said how I can have a career and the state will help me and it will be better for me. She was saying how she was jealous that I got to go to uni and have fun bc I didnt have kids. She said how envious she was that I got to have a relationship and have sex for fun, while she was having sex bc she felt obligated.<br><br>I trusted her and so I did it. I went to the bar the next night and I had a one night stand. I have no idea who the guy was, I dont even remember his name. And I dont ever want to.<br><br>I dont know what came over me. I knew I wasn’t ready for kids but at the same time I felt like I was in a trap. My sister was also telling me to do it. I felt like I had no one to talk to, everyone around me was telling me to either do it or to not do it. I just wish I had someone to talk to me about it. But no one did. bc I am a woman.<br><br>I fell pregnant and had the baby less than 9 months later. I was in disarray. I was still studying and I had just started a new job.<br><br>I had to drop out of uni bc I couldnt afford to study and have a baby and a job. I was sad to leave it behind. I had worked for two years to get to where I was. But I had to give it all up. I was sad and I cried about it. But I thought that I was doing something good for my baby. And that made it all worth it.<br><br>I continued working full time for 5 years. I had a good job and I was able to work from home. It was hard juggling work and a baby but I got used to it. I was so tired and I would cry about it all the time. But again I thought it was worth it for my child.<br><br>I got a new job that paid better but I couldnt work from home. I was sad again, having to take my baby to daycare and having to be away from him all day. But again I thought it was for the best.<br><br>I wasnt able to take a break from work, I had no choice. I had to work bc if I didnt work I wouldnt be able to afford to keep him.<br><br>Until he was 5 I was barely able to hug him. I would cry bc I missed him so much and I hate having to work and miss him. I remember telling my sister how much I missed my son. She told me I should get a better job, I remember her saying if I was a man I would be able to be a stay at home dad with my son. She was mad at me for having a child bc she said that I was doing it all wrong bc I wanted to be a single mum.<br><br>Now my son is 6. I work part time and I can spend more time with him. I am able to hug him and give him my time. I feel like I have finally achieved what I wanted.<br><br>But I also feel like I didn’t. I remember sitting in the student union and talking about how I wanted to be a single mum. I wanted to be financially independent, and I wanted to be a student.<br><br>But what really happened was the complete opposite, I am not a single mum by choice. I am a single mum by force. I was 20 when I had my son and I didnt get to have the freedom that I wanted. I had to work so much just bc I wanted to be a mother. I never got to finish my uni degree. I never got to enjoy my early twenties. I never got to enjoy my child bc I was too busy working.<br><br>I feel like I was forced to become a single mum. I was groomed to become a single mum and I didn’t even realise it. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a stay at home mum. I dont know where that changed but I know my sister was the one who made it change. She was telling me how lucky I am that I get to have a relationship and how lucky I am that I get to go to uni. I regret what I did bc I know I was so young and I wasn’t ready. I regret that I didn’t get to spend time with my son. I regret that I was never able to hug him. I regret bc I know I was groomed by my sister.<br><br>Now I feel like I am unhappy bc I know I could have done things differently. I am not unhappy with being a single parent. I am unhappy that I wasn’t able to do what I wanted. I feel like I am living someone elses life and someone else is living mine.<br><br>I feel like I was living my sisters life and I made mistakes bc of her. I never got to live my 20s like I wanted. I was a mum at 20. I spent my 20s raising a baby. Something I never wanted.<br><br>I know I am not alone. Women have been telling me about their experiences of being groomed to be single mums. I am so sorry to any women who has gone through the same thing.