Death is a layabout, so I have to collect souls now

Death is a layabout, so I have to collect souls now. He still comes to the meetings and whenever the topic of discussion is something along the lines “Why the fuck didn’t you do your job huh?” he just shrugs and tells us to fuck off. “Not my job anymore.” He says with a grin. But it is his fucking job, the dick. No one has usurped him. It isn’t as if he’s been fired. For some reason he just decided “Fuck it. Not doing it anymore.” Fortunately for us, he’s pretty good at delegating. He’s divided the workload up between several of us, demons that get paid extra to do the soul collecting for him. I’m one of them. “Yeah, so the pay is standard triple time for this job.” Death says, tossing us each a manilla folder. “Each of you has one assignment. The people won’t give a fuck when they go. Old age, cancer...painless the both of them.” “Am I allowed to fuck with them?” I ask. I usually don’t like doing that, but seeing how death has abdicated his position in life, I figure why not? Death shrugs. “Do what you want, I don’t give a shit.” I nod and open my folder. The name on the piece of paper was Merle Wankstein. Brain cancer. I could feel a smile creeping onto my face. I was going to put on a show. I travel to Earth, making a b line for the address listed on the folder. Surprisingly, Death was a pretty good typist. All the “t’s” were crossed, the “i’s” were dotted...Well, I guess you get the idea. Anyway, I got to the house pretty quickly. It was a huge house. The guy inside was loaded. I could smell the cancer, taking over all of his brain. I read the report. He had a few months left at most before the pain would become so severe he couldn’t take it anymore. I put on a smile as I walked inside. “Hello there! My name is Chad. Welcome to your new life insurance company. I noticed you purchased a policy with us recently. Well, here I am to talk you through the finer points!” “Uh, what?” The old man in front of me said. “I’m Chad, your new life insurance provider, and I’m here to walk you through the steps of getting the best bang for your buck!” I said, smiling brightly. I really put a lot into it. It was my patented “Chad” smile. I even gave a thumbs up. No one could resist Chad. I was the face of insurance. The man had to have seen my commercial at least fifty times. “No.” He shook his head. “I already have a life insurance policy. Why would I get another?” “Uh... Things change! Your life probably changed a lot since you purchased that policy, right? You’re older now. Do you get senior discounts? Did you know that the AARP will give you discounts just for being in their club? Fuck, do I sound old right now? I read somewhere old people talk about this stuff all the time. Oh, and you know what? I bet your policy isn’t with the best provider. I bet you’re paying a ton! Come on, let’s look at your policy. We can talk about... life...insurance... policies.” He stared at me. I could see the confusion. I could make my entrance so bizarre, so strange, that people wouldn’t even question me at all anymore. Just look at this poor guy. I bet he didn’t know what the fuck was currently happening, or who I was. I have to admit, I really put on a show for this one. Finally, he asked “Is this some sort of joke?” That’s when I got the funniest idea I’ve ever had. “Why, yes. Yes it is. Why don’t we ever get to have a joke before we die? I know you have brain cancer, and I’m here to collect your soul. But I’m going to give you the gift of laughter. Watch this.” And then I did something I’ve never done before in my life. I farted. I’ve never farted in my life. I’m a demon, so I should be able to do that sort of thing. I could raze cities, or pop heads like grapes. But I guess I never had a reason to fart before. It was a lot of pressure... and it sounded like a car backfiring. I shit you not. The guy started to laugh. He was laughing so hard that tears were coming to his eyes. I laughed too. I don’t know why. It just sorta happened. Apparently, death had an opinion on this. “I swear to god, if I walk into that room and find you fucking around instead of doing your job, you’re in for one hell of a world of pain.” I turned around. Death was standing right behind me. I had to stop myself from shitting my pants, since that’s not a good look for a demon. I composed myself as quickly as I could. “I’m not fucking around.” I said. “I was just doing a little joke to ease the pain.” Death glared at me. “I can see that.” He said, “You know, I didn’t leave that job for you to fuck around with the humans. It’s a job. It’s your duty!” Then should have been the time I shit my pants. Death doesn’t cuss. Even if he was a layabout now, that didn’t change who he was! “I’m going to do it now.” I said, all business. Death nodded. I turned around. Merle was still laughing, tears in his eyes. I walked up to him, and touched my finger against his head. A warmth shot through my finger. It was his soul. Then I ended him. I killed him. It was my job now. “Thanks for the laugh.” I said, defeated. He died with a smile on his face. Death clapped a hand on my shoulder. “See, wasn’t that that hard? You did it. You’re a soul collector now.” I felt a lump in my throat. I had killed a man. I had never felt this feeling before. It was so... strange. “Let’s go back to the office.” Death said. “You’ve got the rest of the day off.” I nodded, still trying to process what had just happened. But before we left, I farted again. It was just as loud as the first time. Death and I both laughed at that one. And when we left, I made sure the house was spotless. I made sure the guy’s family wouldn’t have to deal with his death on top of everything else. It was the least I could do. The guy was dead now, after all. And I was the one who killed him. [EOG]

Death is a layabout, so I have to collect souls now

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