The Healing Arse

It was a dark and stormy night in the small village of Farnley, England when it first came to light. The villagers huddled together in the local tavern, clutching pints and trembling beneath their windswept hats.<br>“Did you hear?” gasped Paula, her voice low and terrified. “I heard it’s coming.”<br><br>Each of the villagers turned to her in stunned silence. Marjorie was the first to speak.<br><br>“What do you mean it’s coming?” she asked, her eyes wide.<br><br>The door burst open, slamming into the wall behind it as the wind howled through the village square. A figure stumbled forward, drenched and trembling.<br><br>“I saw it,” he muttered. “In the forest by the old Oak tree. The Healing Arse is coming, and I can see it moving.”<br><br>The villagers gasped, and fell silent once more. The fire crackled, and the patrons of the local tavern sat in stunned silence as the wind raged on.<br>The villagers would never be the same.<br><br>A few nights later, a young couple huddled together in a lonely cottage on the outskirts of the village. The wind howled, and they snuggled closer, afraid.<br><br>“Do you hear that?” the girl asked.<br><br>“Hear what?”<br><br>“That thudding. It’s coming from outside.”<br><br>The young man went to the window, and pulled back the curtain.<br><br>“Don’t!” his girlfriend gasped.<br><br>Too late. He had already seen it. The Healing Arse. A giant, twitching arse cheek. It was moving towards the house, and it was twitching furiously as it moved. Each twitch created a loud thudding noise, and the ground shook beneath it.<br><br>The young couple watched in stunned silence, unable to move or speak. It wasn’t until the Healing Arse reached the window, its twitching hole mere inches from the young man’s face, that he screamed.<br><br>He tried to run, but it was too late. A jet of golden light exploded from the twitching anus before him, and the young couple felt themselves lifted up.<br><br>“Higher,” the golden light intoned. “Higher.”<br><br>They felt themselves lifted higher and higher, until they were floating in mid air.<br><br>“Higher,” the light continued. “Higher. Oh, higher.”<br><br>With their last vestiges of sanity, the young couple looked to one another. Their eyes locked, and they knew what they had to do.<br><br>“Higher,” the light was saying.<br><br>With a deep breath, the young couple reached out, and placed their hands upon one another’s hips. There was a flash, and they were gone.<br><br>The villagers found them the next morning, curled up together in a ball on the floor.<br><br>“Did you see it?” they asked.<br><br>The young couple nodded. “We did,” they said. “But we defeated it.”<br><br>The villagers were perplexed. “But how?” they asked.<br><br>The young couple smiled, and embraced one another.<br><br>“Our love saved us,” they said.