I threw out a portion of my mother's ashes.

**Trigger warning: Contains mention of death, grief, and cremation.**<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>I have never had any issues with death. It is a fact of life, and everyone undergoes it. 200,000 people die every day, and over 7 billion people have died so far. I've also learned to live with it. Death isn't anything to fret over or to cry about. It will happen no matter what we do. Whenever I hear about someone dying, I would often say this to myself.<br><br>But on March 17, 2023, my mom died. It was her second year with stage 4 lung cancer. From the previous year, I would often talk about what I would do when she died. I would dispose of her remains (or perhaps her urn) somewhere I'd never see again. There's just something strange and unsettling about keeping your dead loved ones' remains with you for the rest of your life. I can understand why people do it, and I don't see it as a problem if you do, but I personally can't do it.<br><br>When she died, I realized there is a difference between reasoning and reality. In reality, it has been hard for me to deal with her death. Despite everything I've said about death, I couldn't help but cry when she passed away. I loved her so much, and it broke my heart to see her die. I think it's because I know I couldn't see her anymore. I couldn't hug her, talk to her, or just see her. But she would always be with me.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>On the day of her funeral, I couldn't help but cry a lot. I knew that there was nothing I could do to bring someone back. Yet, I still couldn't help but feel this bad. It made me think about how much she meant to me, and how sad I was that she was gone. She was a selfless woman who would help people with their problems. She always supported me in my endeavors and encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Her kindness knows no bounds.<br><br>After the funeral, her remains were placed in an urn. 2 weeks later, I bought a better urn. The original urn was a souvenir urn, but I wanted her to rest in a beautiful place. I wanted her to feel the love and care that I give her, and a new urn would be a sign of that. It was expensive, but I thought it was worth it. When I placed her remains inside, I couldn't help but feel happy and relieved. It was as if she finally found a home, a place where she could finally rest.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>But after a week, I couldn't help but feel this urge to dispose of the urn. There was something wrong with keeping it, and I didn't like it. I decided to dispose of it in a place that I wouldn't see again. I thought about a lot of places, but I eventually settled on a gas station near my house that I don't visit often. I thought it would be a fitting place to dispose of it.<br><br>I went to the gas station last night. I parked my car and held the urn. In my head, I said my final words to her.<br><br>"I love you, mom. Always remember that. Please never forget that I love you so much. Your kindness inspired me to help people, and I will live the rest of my life helping people. I know that you're in a better place, and I'm happy for you. I just wish I could still see you. But that's not meant to be. So I'll live my life to the fullest and make you proud. I'll help others and be your pride."<br><br>Then, I sprinkled a portion of her ashes by the trash can. I left and drove away, a smile on my face.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>I know that some people might find this wrong. But I believe it isn't. It's all about perspective. For most people, disposing of their loved ones' remains is taboo. But for me, it isn't. It's a way to let go of the past. Whenever I see the urn, I am reminded of the day when my mom died. It makes me cry, and it makes me sad. But by disposing of it, I can finally move on with my life.<br><br>I also thought about the fact that it's just the remains of my mother. It isn't really her. She died on March 17, 2023. And that was it. I will never see her again, no matter how hard I try. So there's no use crying about it.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>So, I disposed of her ashes. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. But in the end, I knew that I had to do it. It was the best way to show her respect. And to let her go.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>This is probably going to be the last time I talk about my mom. I have a lot to say about her, but I don't want to keep talking about her. I know it's not healthy. I know that I have to move on. And I will. I'll help others, and I'll live a happy life.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>Rest in peace, mom. You will always be with me.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>**EDIT:** I only threw out a portion of her ashes. The rest is still with me. I also didn't throw out the urn, but I'm planning to. …<br><br>**EDIT 2:** I buried the urn this morning. I didn't want to throw it out, nor do I want to keep it with me. I buried it in front of the house of a person I really love. I hope this person will always be happy, and I hope that they will always know love. Just like my mom.