Thinking about my “rude” past behavior is freaking me out

I think I might’ve been an asshole in 4th grade. That’s 2011 for me. I’m 20 now if you’re wondering. I “made friends” with this boy because his Nice name was hard to spell and everyone made fun of him for it. I was like that too. Mine is a well-known Nice name but it’s misspelled and nobody can pronounce it. I felt bad for him because of that. We became friends and I would spend my time with him instead of the other kids. I was new to the school and I didn’t have any other friends and my poor spelling and pronunciation of my Nice name was a joke to everyone.<br><br>Now, this is where the issue comes in. I’ve always been an emotionless person and I’m still like that if not more. I never really felt any strong emotions. I think this stems from my early childhood where my dad used to be drunk and would take me to the bars and walk around like nothing was wrong. Even though he abused and terrified me. I also never really had any friends. It doesn’t help that my Nice name is hard to spell and pronounce. I was that girl who raised her hand to answer a question and the teacher wouldn’t know how to pronounce my Nice name. I was a lot of fun. Also, this is where my people-watching obsession started, since I didn’t have friends. I would watch everyone and all their behaviors and mannerisms and try to mimic them. The girls always had something to say about me. Boys didn’t like me. I was an outcast. Not a nerd, just weird in general. This is when I started to fantasize that I was adopted and that my whole life was a lie. I don’t know why.<br><br>Oh, right. The friend. So, I became friends with him because he was also an outcast. I think I might’ve used him. Wanted to be his best friend and made him feel like he was my only friend. I even told him I loved him and I wanted to marry him. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me but I did it anyway. It’s not like I did it to manipulate him. I just did it. I think I did this because I was lonely and desperate. He was the only one who didn’t make fun of me.<br><br>I remember on my last day of school, he gave me a fruit-flavored snack. I think it was fruit snacks or something. I still remember this. That day was probably the first day I felt happy, and it was because of him. For the rest of 5th grade, I thought about him constantly. I even had a dream about him, it was really weird. I remember thinking about him well into high school. He’s still in my mind even now. I wonder if he ever thought about me. I wonder if he remembers me. I wonder if he even remembers fruit snacks. I wonder if he remembers the day I left. I wonder if he was sad. I wonder if he cried. I wonder if he ever thought about me again. If he ever thought “what if.” What if. I don’t know why I keep thinking about this. I feel bad.