I didn't go into medical school to watch my hands fail.

This is my first post here. I'm a doctor in the United States. I'm 27 years old, and I'll be finishing a surgical residency in 3 years.<br><br>I'm heartbroken. I feel defeated. I cry thinking about my future and my profession.<br><br>I have a movement disorder called dystonia. I had it since childhood. It affects my hands and sometimes other parts of my body. At first it would only affect me when I was under stress or when I was tired. I could control it. I could stop it.<br><br>When I was in medical school I realized that it was getting worse. It would happen randomly. The day before my boards the first time I had to take it, my hands would get stiff and my right hand would go into spasms. I was in tears. I didn't know what to do.<br><br>I took the boards, I got a great score. I did my best. I didn't let it stop me. I cried the whole time. My muscles were twitching. I thought I was going to fail. I didn't. I worked so hard. I worked through it.<br><br>After this happened, I saw many neurologists. I went onto a variety of medications. I tried botox injections. I tried everything in my power to work through it. I was able to control it for some time. I did my intern year without too many issues. <br><br>This year, I started as a resident. I've cried more than I've ever cried before. In the OR my hands will cramp. I have to hold scissors still for some surgeries and I can't do it. It hurts. It hurts to hold the needle. I drop things. I spilled suture on the floor today. It got tangled. The 2nd year resident had to cut it out because I couldn't hold the scissors. I was in tears. I was crying in front of the scrub techs. I was crying in front of the attendings.<br><br>I feel like a failure. I worked my whole life to be a doctor. I didn't go into medicine to have my hands fail me. The irony is upsetting. <br><br>I'm going to go into physical medicine and rehab. It's not surgery, but it's as close as I can get. I can't give up.<br><br>I love what I do. I love patient care. I love the OR, I love being a part of the operating room team. I love seeing a patient get better. I love watching my patients recover.<br><br>I won't give up. I can't give up. I'll work through it. I'll cry through it. I'll push through it. I'll find a way.<br><br>I'll make it through this.