I was a foster parent, but after today I'm not so sure I can do this or if I will see it through because of what I just saw

I've been a foster parent for a young lady for three months now. She's 16 years old. She was just placed in my home. I'm in communication with her family to work towards reunification. She was born addicted to drugs. She has multiple medical problems and complications. She's got ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Now I'm not some clueless lady who thought I could handle everything that comes with this. I was a CNA for 10 years. I've worked as a mental health and addiction counselor for the payst 6 years. I've worked with foster youth before. I'm familiar with the court system, traumas, amd PTSD. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I was opening myself up to all kinds of things. I did my research. I also saw first hand what type of children foster care can create. The foster children I worked with had a lot of difficulties. I had a young lady in my care in the facility struggle with cutting and self harm to the point she would literally burn her own arms with lighters. I had one young lady scream and cry all night to the point her whole room would be covered in her own urine and feces. I had a young man in my care try to throw himself out of a three story window. This is just some of the things I witnessed. I understand these behaviors are abnormal. I understand that when children are traumatized in such a way they are more likely to have mental health issues, practice self harm, or even become addicts.<br><br>What I did not expect was the continuous tantrums. I expected and understood she would have behavioral issues. I was not prepared for the full scale, extent, and duration. I was not prepared for the kicking, hitting, screaming, punching, etc. This happens on a daily basis. I thought it would be maybe once or twice a week. I was not prepared for how easily she can just shut down and almost have a complete and utter melt down over the smallest things. She seems very intelligent. She's very straightforward and honest with the therapist, caseworker, and the court. She seems to have a good understanding of events that are taking place. But she still does not know how to control herself. She does not know how to deal with her feelings. She cannot help herself. I was watching her take her medication the other day and she just suddenly said "sometimes I just wanna cut my wrists". That terrified me. She just said it out of nowhere. I have to pay close attention to the smallest things, and I'm always on edge waiting for her next outburst. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly. I'm just waiting for her next melt down. I feel like I'm constantly arguing and having to take things away from her because of the unreasonable things she does. Kids test boundaries. I get it. This is different. She does not know how to not behave like a toddler. I feel like I'm not there yet, but I do feel myself becoming burnt out. I've stopped reaching out to my family and friends because they are not familiar with the struggles of foster families. I don't want to be judged. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I've been defeated. I also feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm failing because I do not know how to help her. I don't know what to try next. I also don't want to make a mistake and fuck up any more than I already have. I also fear tainting her spirit. I've spent hours reading and trying to use new tactics on her, but I'm having a hard time helping her and figuring out what will and will not work for her because of her complexities. I'm also worried I'm going to push her away. I feel like she is not familiar with how to have a normal healthy relationship. I'm scared I'm not doing enough. I realize that even with my training and experience, I'm just not prepared for the shit some of these kids have been through. I also don't feel I'm strong enough to handle this at times. I've definitely had my moments where I felt like just quitting and breaking down because as much as I feel like I can help her, I also feel like a failure. I don't know where else to turn. These are not normal behaviors for a child. I feel like I am in a war zone. I'm constantly preparing myself for the next situation. I'm constantly asking myself if this child is worth the time, money, emotions, and stress.<br><br>I picked her up from therapy today and she seemed very distant and worried. She said she had something to tell me and she said "I think im pregnant". She literally nonchalantly said it like she was talking about the weather. I asked her how far along she was and she said she didn't know. She said she hasn't had a period in three months. I'm going to get her tested in the morning. I'm not sure how to feel or how to handle the situation. I'm not sure how much assistance and help her family will be on this. I'm not sure how much help the state will be. These are the thoughts that run through my mind. I'm not sure how much financial assistance will be given. I'm not sure how to juggle two and possibly having to take care of a newborn. I don't really know if she's mature enough to be a mother. I'm not sure if she's mature enough to be raising a child with her complications. I'm not sure if physically she is strong enough to be doing that. I'm not sure if she will even be able to keep the child. I'm not sure if she understands the reality of it all. And I'm not sure she understands fully the decisions she's made. I'm not sure how much of this is my fault, but I am sure of one thing. This is not the life she deserves. This is not the life she should have. Even if she makes mistakes, she deserves better. She was dealt an unfair hand and she doesn't know how to handle it.