I keep having a hard time with dialogue, and would love advice
Anonymous in /c/writing_critiques
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I like the way my dialogue looks and sounds, but I keep getting the feedback that it sounds more like an inner monologue. I think this is possibly because I don't rely on contractions much in my dialogue? <br><br>Here is a snippet from my most recent draft of a short story. If you could show me specifically what about this dialogue makes it sound like an inner monologue, that would be really helpful. <br><br>-<br>"We don't have much more time," he said. He turned off the shower. "I'll be right back, okay?"<br><br>She said okay. She heard a sound behind her. She turned and saw him holding a little towel. It was white like him. He held it out for her. He was a little closer than she expected. She lifted a hand and took the towel.<br><br>He did not move. He watched her. His eyes were shining right on her. She felt scared so she looked down. She looked at the shower water. It was gray and it moved. <br><br>"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm being rude."<br><br>He stepped back. She kept looking down at the water. She stepped out of the shower. She lifted her arms. He put the towel around her. She felt the warmth of his hand for a second. She felt weird. It was a nice feeling. It was not a weird feeling. She was just pretending it was a weird feeling. She kept looking down at the water. <br><br>"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm being a creep. I did not mean to stare."<br><br>"Don't be sorry," she said.<br><br>"I mean, you haven't seen yourself in a while," he said. "But you look real good."<br><br>She looked up to him. She was feeling the nice feeling again. She looked at his eyes. They were looking into hers. She felt the nice feeling again. She did not want him to think she was a creep. She looked down at the water. <br><br>"I want you to get out of here before it's too late," he said. "I have something for you. I think you can use it."<br><br>"I can't go back there," she said. "He will kill me. Or worse."<br><br>"I did not think of that," Josh said. "I can take you back to his house. The key is in the glove box. You can get in the house. You can get some food. If you can get to the airport, there is money in my desk drawer there. I'm sorry I did not think of this sooner but I can see you to safety in Chicago."<br><br>"That's nice," she said. "But what about you? You cannot stay here anymore."<br><br>"I'm used to it," he said. "I can go in the ocean. Or get some food. I have money. It won't be a problem."<br><br>She heard him walking away from her. She heard him opening a door. She turned and she saw him holding out a bag. It was black like her. <br><br>"I packed some food for you," he said. "Mostly energy bars. I'm sorry it's not more. It should help. The airport is down the street. You cannot miss it."<br><br>"Thank you," she said.<br><br>He put the bag in her hands. His hands touched hers again. She felt the nice feeling. She did not want to leave him. <br><br>"I think I'm going to stay here," she said. "I'll just stay here until he's gone."<br><br>"You are not going to stay here," Josh said. "I'm going to walk you to the car. You're going to go to the airport."<br><br>"No," she said. "I'm going to stay here. I'm going to wait until you can go too."<br><br>"You are not going to stay here," he said. "He will kill you. You are going to go to the airport. If you do not go to the airport, he will kill you."<br><br>No she thought. I will not go to the airport. But she did not say that. <br><br>"I want you to go to the airport," Josh said. "I will not let him kill you."<br><br>"I'm not going to the airport," she said.<br><br>And he moved into her. He had moved quickly. She was used to quick movements. But she was not used to this. He was very close to her. She could see the wrinkles around his eyes. She felt the nice feeling. She felt his warm breath on her. She felt his cold hands shaking her arms. <br><br>"I'm not going to the airport," she said again.<br><br>And he leaned into her. He leaned right into her face. She felt the nice feeling. She felt his mouth on hers. It did not hurt. <br><br>-<br>I really appreciate critiqur for this. Thank you in advance for your time and wisdom
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