What has my boyfriend of 4 years done to make me feel so violated?

Warning: long, and it’s kind of all over the place. Also, there is mention of non-consensual acts, so proceed with caution.<br><br> Background: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. We are both in our 30’s. We live together in his condo. He has two cats, and I have one cat and one dog. I moved in with him a year ago. <br><br>Over the last year I have accumulated more and more evidence that he was cheating on me, and I finally confronted him about it last week. He confessed that he had been cheating on me the entire time we have been together. The cheating was with 5 women, and 2 men. It was always sex-only, no dates, no talking to them outside of the act, etc. But he used my car to visit some of these people… so taking our dog to the vet, but really screwing some person I don’t know. <br><br>I was absolutely floored. I was in an abusive relationship 8 years ago, and I assumed that I would never let someone treat me like that again. I was so confident in our relationship and I thought he felt the same way. It honestly felt like I was being punched in the gut. Like the wind knocked out of me. I was so shocked I didn’t even cry when he told me. <br><br>So I immediately told him I needed some space and was going to stay with my friend. I left, and stayed with my friend for a few days. I didn’t even think about any of my stuff, I just left. I was so in shock it didn’t even occur to me to pack my stuff and get out. So now I’m starting to gather my stuff, call the bank, cancel joint plans… and it’s so hard. I have been shaking for a week. <br><br>Here is my question: I am so upset, partly because my trust has been shattered, partly because my whole relationship has been thrown out the window, but partly because I feel so violated. I am in such disbelief that he was able to do this for so long, and I didn’t know. Everything about our relationship was a lie. He has come clean about a lot of the cheating, but has also told me much less about incidents that I know he remembers. So there are lies by omission. I have been so dumbfounded by the whole thing that I have been invalidate myself a lot. I have been telling myself that I am overreacting, that it’s not that bad, and that I just need to calm down. But that’s not right. It is that bad, I am not overreacting, and I do need support. I told my therapist and she basically told me I was right to be upset, but I’m still having trouble convincing myself that I have a right to be hurt. I don’t really know how to articulate my feelings of violation, but I know I feel violated. You can’t cheat on your partner of 4 years for 4 years and then lie to them about it and not violate them. He did it in secret, and he did it in ways that impact me. There are so many lies, and so many things he had to do to keep this a secret. He had to lie about where he was going, who he was with, what he was doing, where my car was, what he was doing with my car… <br><br>So what I am wondering is, what did he do to make me feel this way? Was the cheating? The lies? The fact that he used our home (and my car)? Was it the fact that it was 7 people, not just one? Was it the length of time (4 years)? Was it that he had to lie to me about so many things for so long? Is it all of those things?