I faked a pregnancy and miscarriage to cover up infidelity.

I'm absolutely ashamed and I don't know where to bring this shame other than this subreddit. 5 years ago when I was in my early 20s (I'm in my late 20s now, so I've grown up since then) I met a man while I was at a bar. I went home with him. The next morning I realized what I had done. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time, and I cheated on him. I knew I couldn't tell him about it. So I made up a huge lie. I told him I was pregnant, and that we needed to get married so our baby could have a father. He was absolutely ecstatic, proposed, we were making plans for our future. Then a few months later, I told him that I was going to have a miscarriage. I even went to the doctor so I could get a real ultrasound and pictures of the "baby" to show him. I pretended that I was absolutely devastated that the pregnancy had turned into a miscarriage and that I needed him more than ever.<br><br>The lie was so elaborate and convincing that he believed me. It wasn't until a year later, after we were already married, that he discovered the truth. He found my diary and read it. The look on his face was absolutely devastating and I will carry guilt for what I did to him for the rest of my life. I told him the truth, which was that I cheated on him and didn't know what else to do, and that I faked the pregnancy. He left me, and we've been divorced since then.<br><br>Even though it was years ago, I still carry this guilt with me that I lied and deceived the man I loved, and destroyed our marriage and his trust. He's moved on, married someone else, and I've moved on too. But sometimes I can't help but feel this cold guilt in the pit of my stomach. How could I have been so stupid? What made me think a lie that big and elaborate and hurtful was a solution to anything?