i can’t study

This is a bit all over the place and I’m sorry, I’ve never really had a platform to vent to before.<br><br>I woke up this morning to my mom yelling and screaming at my dad in our living room. He’s sick, has been sick for months, since basically the start of school last fall. He was diagnosed with some sort of pancreatic cancer, the doctor said he only had a couple months left when he was diagnosed. <br><br>First of all, I grew up in a very religious family and when they told me my dad had cancer I went to church and begged and cried for God to make him better. I haven’t been to church since. I don’t know why I’m an atheist now but I am.<br><br>Anyways, he’s still alive months later and my grandmother has taken over care for him. She’s a nurse, graduated from my university, where I currently study to be a nurse. I feel like I don’t take after her, I have none of the skills to take care of him and I always end up asking her stupid questions about care giving and she’s very critical of my studies and the fact that I’m not good at it. I try my best. I obsess over nursing school, I read all my textbooks and rewatch my lectures a second time before class and I still feel like I don’t fit. <br><br>So my dad has these episodes where he’s very agitated and today he was trying to take his feeding tube out and my grandmother couldn’t handle it and she called an ambulance, that’s why my mom was yelling at my dad, to tell them he has DNR. Do Not Resuscitate. I was standing there, frozen, watching it all happen. I don’t know what to do. I want to go back in time and be there for my dad, before his diagnosis, when he was still walking around the house, cooking and watching TV and being happy. I want to be the kid who had a happy childhood and loving family. Now I feel like I’ve been unloved and neglected my entire life. <br><br>I feel like he’s just a burden on us right now. I don’t know if that’s a normal feeling. I feel like I want to take my studies seriously but my dad is so sick and I can’t study because of the grief I feel for him. I don’t know if this makes sense. I haven’t been able to focus for weeks. I just want to cry. My dad is dying and I feel like a failure and an ass for not being able to care for him and not being able to focus on my studies.